THINGS MY SON WILL SAY TO ME

  1. Dad, I love you.
  2. Dad, how far is the moon?
  3. Dad, where do babies come from?
  4. Dad, give me some money.
  5. Dad, Mom is being real cool, she bought beer for my friends!
  6. Dad, I hate you.
  7. Dad, can we get a dog.
  8. Dad, Mom is acting a little strange.
  9. Dad, how do you know when a girl likes you?
  10. Dad, I got an F. You have to sign this test.
  11. Dad, I swear to god! Listen to me! I saw Mom in the garage eating batteries!
  12. Dad, can I borrow some money for my date?
  13. Dad, that's not even my joint. I swear. I don't even smoke.
  14. Dad, I don't think Mom is who she says she is.
  15. Dad, I'll mow the lawn later.
  16. Dad, Mom tried to kill me with a letter opener!
  17. Dad, it's just grass! It's grass! I'll mow it later!
  18. Dad, if Mom is locked in that warehouse... then who's in our living room??
  19. Dad, is it okay if I add my girlfriend to our Verizon family plan?
  20. Dad, I have to save Mom.
  21. Dad, will you go over my science homework with me?
  22. Dad?! Dad, I can't- I'm at the warehouse. It's dark. I can't see where I am. Some sort of basement. You have to help me.
  23. Dad, can I get these cool sunglasses?
  24. Dad, I'm in here! Shoot the lock!
  25. Dad, I know what safe sex is! God, stop talking.
  26. Dad, they look identical! How do we know which Mom to shoot?!
  27. Dad, let's go to the 6:50 screening. Is it cool if Maria comes?
  28. Dad, I can't believe you shot both Moms in the foot and battery acid spilled out of one of them.
  29. Dad, pass the salt.
  30. Dad, the doctor says she'll make a full recovery from when you shot her in the foot because you didn't know if she was my real Mom or a battery alien.
  31. Dad, do you like your Jeep? Maria and I are thinking about one after the kid is born.
  32. Dad, I love you.