WHAT I THINK ABOUT INSTEAD OF SLEEPING

  1. Earthquakes
    When I was 13 I took my first solo flight to visit my brother in college. I got to talking with the young women next to me. She claimed to have hailed from a family of psychics. She asked what I wanted to be when I was older. I said a filmmaker. She went pale white, grabbed my arm, and pleaded with me not to be in LA in 2012. "Thousands will die." she whispered. I didn't move here until 2013. Just in case.
  2. My wife. Who/where is she?
    Never ask your friends what your future wife might be doing out there in the world because they will say "blowjobs".
  3. Elon Musk
    Still can't tell if he's here to save the world or to start Weyland-Yutani. Either way, I'm on his team.
  4. Sharks
    Great whites. Demon animals. Black eyes and jagged teeth. They never sleep and they never stop moving. They know what I smell like and they know where I live. There is one child who dies in Jaws. ONE. And it's a brown haired Jewish kid called Alex. At five years old I projected that this must be me in the future. As fears go, it's an easy one to avoid, but it's still a nightmare. THE nightmare.
  5. Should I get up and be Erewhon's first customer?
    Erewhon is a natural foods market in Los Angeles. For as often as I make fun of its clientele and $90 dollar smoothies, the truth is I love it. The people watching is unparalleled. From the drop dead gorgeous to Hollywood elite's assistants. Regulars include Prince Erewhon, the unfairly handsome nutritional expert who loiters all day. Agent Erewhon, 6'4, stringy hair, always gabbing with Jeremy Piven. And Leonard, nearing 80 years old. Claims to have been a ping-pong champ in the sixties.
  6. That miserable shit dog next door
    The barking is constant. I don't mean a few sessions a day. I mean constant. The dog is barking now, in ten minutes, tomorrow, and next year. It cannot be killed with rat poison or other conventional weapons. Come nuclear fallout the only sound heard for a thousand miles will be the shrill barks of the miserable shit dog next door.