How To Know If You Were Almost Over Served

("Almost" because you're not quite hungover, but it was touch and go there for a bit.)
  1. Waking up feels like the opening sequence to Jaws 3. Has life become a cheap 3D movie? Why is the lamp popping out at you like that? Is that a bloody fish head? Can someone turn the sun off?
  2. You immediately activate your internal Black Box to asses where you are and like the X-Files whether or not you are "not alone."
  3. The Sahara Desert somehow moved from Africa to your tongue and a thousand bodies decomposed in it. There is probably a visible green stink smoke spewing from your open mouth.
  4. Your body feels like a silent invisible train hit you and then proceeded to roll over you with each of its million cars throughout the night.
  5. On the color wheel of life your pee would be classified as: "the brine of a rusty nail."
  6. Your skin seems to have developed an amphibious film that is strangely of a very dry consistency.
  7. Your arms and legs move like someone dropped water balloons into pantyhose with shot elastic.
  8. You have to get out of bed like a ninja. It was fine lying down but when you stand up the hangover might sneak attack you.
  9. You replay the events of last night, not because you think: "Oh God! Oh God! What did I do?!" But just as a precaution because you were one glass of Cab away from your memory saying, "Deuces brah."
  10. Your thoughts upon seeing your reflection in the mirror are: "Face, I'm gonna leave and come back in 5 minutes, and when I do you need to have pulled your life together."