How To Know If You Were Almost Over Served
("Almost" because you're not quite hungover, but it was touch and go there for a bit.)
- •Waking up feels like the opening sequence to Jaws 3. Has life become a cheap 3D movie? Why is the lamp popping out at you like that? Is that a bloody fish head? Can someone turn the sun off?
- •You immediately activate your internal Black Box to asses where you are and like the X-Files whether or not you are "not alone."
- •The Sahara Desert somehow moved from Africa to your tongue and a thousand bodies decomposed in it. There is probably a visible green stink smoke spewing from your open mouth.
- •Your body feels like a silent invisible train hit you and then proceeded to roll over you with each of its million cars throughout the night.
- •On the color wheel of life your pee would be classified as: "the brine of a rusty nail."
- •Your skin seems to have developed an amphibious film that is strangely of a very dry consistency.
- •Your arms and legs move like someone dropped water balloons into pantyhose with shot elastic.
- •You have to get out of bed like a ninja. It was fine lying down but when you stand up the hangover might sneak attack you.
- •You replay the events of last night, not because you think: "Oh God! Oh God! What did I do?!" But just as a precaution because you were one glass of Cab away from your memory saying, "Deuces brah."
- •Your thoughts upon seeing your reflection in the mirror are: "Face, I'm gonna leave and come back in 5 minutes, and when I do you need to have pulled your life together."