THINGS THAT INEVITABLY HAPPEN WHEN I'M READING A BOOK
- •Have to Google wordsI like to read the classics, but the classics happen to be old and I don't know what abscissae means, H G Wells.
- •Mispronounce namesOr do I? It's a book and nobody knows how I'm pronouncing it in my head. But I'm definitely not saying it right.
- •Try to guess the ending!Why not ruin it for myself?
- •Start writing the screenplayThe movie is going to be better anyway.
- •Plan out the sequelI think it'll be an even bigger success than the first! I'm thinking trilogy.
- •Secure funding for filmI can't believe I found a producer so quickly and for so much money.
- •Earn top spot at the box officeFor 9 straight weeks. Nbd.
- •Accept my OscarI'd like to thank my publicist, my family, and the author of the original book for creating such a magical world for me to work with.
- •Invest earnings in Ponzi SchemeIt seemed too good to be true!
- •Go broke and sell OscarIt sold to a BabysDayOut48 in Pennsylvania for $392.
- •Move back in with my parentsThey charge me $300 a month
- •Am contacted by documentary crewThey want to capture my story
- •Fuel my comebackI write a book to accompany the movie's Netflix release.
- •Earn bestseller statusThe editor added some words I don't understand. And I changed people's names to protect their anonymity/make them harder to pronounce.
- •Die in my sleepPeaceful and in my parents basement before cashing any royalty checks.
- •...And that's every time I open a book.