THINGS THAT INEVITABLY HAPPEN WHEN I'M READING A BOOK

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  1. Have to Google words
    I like to read the classics, but the classics happen to be old and I don't know what abscissae means, H G Wells.
  2. Mispronounce names
    Or do I? It's a book and nobody knows how I'm pronouncing it in my head. But I'm definitely not saying it right.
  3. Try to guess the ending!
    Why not ruin it for myself?
  4. Start writing the screenplay
    The movie is going to be better anyway.
  5. Plan out the sequel
    I think it'll be an even bigger success than the first! I'm thinking trilogy.
  6. Secure funding for film
    I can't believe I found a producer so quickly and for so much money.
  7. Earn top spot at the box office
    For 9 straight weeks. Nbd.
  8. Accept my Oscar
    I'd like to thank my publicist, my family, and the author of the original book for creating such a magical world for me to work with.
  9. Invest earnings in Ponzi Scheme
    It seemed too good to be true!
  10. Go broke and sell Oscar
    It sold to a BabysDayOut48 in Pennsylvania for $392.
  11. Move back in with my parents
    They charge me $300 a month
  12. Am contacted by documentary crew
    They want to capture my story
  13. Fuel my comeback
    I write a book to accompany the movie's Netflix release.
  14. Earn bestseller status
    The editor added some words I don't understand. And I changed people's names to protect their anonymity/make them harder to pronounce.
  15. Die in my sleep
    Peaceful and in my parents basement before cashing any royalty checks.
  16. ...
    And that's every time I open a book.