1. John Pinette
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    [discussing one of his nutritionist's advice] She wanted me to have salad as the food! No! Salad isn't food. Salad comes with the food. Salad is a promisary note that something good is going to happen... and I should just wait right here.
  2. Christopher Titus
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    I finally stopped drinking when I hit seventeen years old. Yes, imagine the fuckup I must have been. Stopped drinking because it isn't really good for your health... and I fell into a bonfire! Yeah, you're done drinking then. You don't need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one-step program.
  3. Natasha Leggero
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    "My friends who have babies can't do anything. You can't go out at night. Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe."
  4. Eugene Merman
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    "Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys - either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right."
  5. Patton Oswald
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    If another one of my Whole-Foods friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet.
  6. George Carlin
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    The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
  7. Whitney Cummings
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    "The problem with vampires is they look like they're 20, but they're actually 100 years old. So you'll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and he's doing the Charleston. Or you think he's cheating on you, so you go through his journal. You're like, 'Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the fuck is that!?"
  8. Kumail Nanjiani
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    "The Pope hasn't tweeted yet and already has half a million followers. Seems a good analogy for most religion."
  9. Sarah Silverman
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    "When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS."
  10. Aziz Ansari
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    "If you’ve held someone you love and watched three to ten hours of a critically acclaimed drama, you’ve experienced the peak of human happiness.”