BOOKS THAT CHANGED MY LIFE

  1. Moby Dick, by Herman Melville
    My first day of Kindergarten, 1995. My mom was walking me to school when someone dropped a copy of "Moby Dick" from an apartment window onto my head. It was the hardcover version, and my 5th lumbar vertebra was crushed on impact. It took three years of intense physical therapy for me to make a complete recovery
  2. Heart of Darkness, by Joseph Conrad
    A copy of Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Cities" was shot at me out of a t-shirt cannon during a Laker game, breaking my nose. Six other fans who were also injured by flying books during this misguided promotion joined me in suing. In the hall outside the courtroom before day two of the trial, a carelessly balanced copy of Charlotte Brontë's "Jane Eyre" tumbled onto me from a high bookshelf. While in the ER awaiting scalp stitches, a nurse handed me a copy of "Heart of Darkness." Great read!
  3. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Mark Twain
    I was floating down the Mississippi with my friend Jim on a raft made of hollowed-out copies of Mitch Albom's "Tuesdays with Morrie" when we hit a cold snap and it started snowing. We didn't have any dry kindling, and hypothermia loomed. Luckily Jim spotted a floating Tupperware container, and when we fished it out we discovered that it contained a (dry) copy of "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn." We were able to set it ablaze, and the heat got me through the night! 🔥👍😊 RIP Jim
  4. The Da Vinci Code, by Dan Brown
    I was at the library trying to solve Da Vinci's code when I stumbled upon a copy of Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code." As I picked the book up, a piece of paper fell from it. On it was a message written in a complex code, which (after weeks of deciphering) I realized read: "You should watch the movie The Da Vinci Code." Intrigued, I ordered the DVD off Amazon. But they accidentally shipped me the book "The Da Vinci Code" instead. I read it, and it ended up helping me solve Da Vinci's code!
  5. If I Did It, by O.J. Simpson
    Two separate juries have agreed that I wasn't the person who killed my first wife by dropping a copy of "If I Did It" onto her head from a hot air balloon, but that hasn't stopped me from dipping a toe into the world of speculative fiction with my upcoming debut novel "If I'd Done It," available June 8th wherever fine ebooks are sold. RIP Mary K.
  6. The Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas
    I was reading "The Count of Monte Cristo" when the book gained sentience and bit my hand. Luckily it didn't break the skin, so that event itself wasn't life-changing. But years later, I spotted a copy of the book at Borders, which prompted me to recall the story of the bite to a nearby shopper. That shopper turned out to have a similar story involving a sentient copy of David Mitchell's "Cloud Atlas." We bonded over it, I asked her out, and she soon became my second wife! RIP Mary H.
  7. The Communist Manifesto, by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels
    "The Communist Manifesto" was a huge influence on Fidel Castro, and therefore certainly changed "My Life," Castro's 2006 autobiography. And my legal team contends that it was a copy of "My Life" that randomly fell from the sky and squashed a butterfly in Bangladesh in 2013, which kicked off a butterfly effect chain of events that led to the tragic death of my third wife. And since it was the butterfly effect that caused me to do it, I can't be held responsible for her murder. RIP Mary W.
  8. One More Thing: Stories and Other Stories, by B.J. Novak
    I was walking down Melrose last week when B.J. Novak hurled a copy of his book at me out of the window of a passing Audi, crushing my 5th lumbar vertebra