WHAT I WANTED TO BE GROWING UP, CHRONOLOGICALLY

  1. THREE HOURS OLD: Fireman
    This was obviously too early in my life for me to still remember it today. But my parents have an old home movie of me at the hospital, still covered in afterbirth, saying, "I wanna be fifiman!" It's pretty cute, I didn't even know how to say "fireman" yet!
  2. TWO DAYS OLD: President
    When I expressed an interest in politics on the day after I was born, my extremely supportive parents immediately bought me a plane ticket to Washington for later that evening. After a whirlwind five-day tour, I can honestly say that I'd already gotten more done in DC during my first week on earth than some of these bozo "politicians" get done during their whole careers!
  3. TWO WEEKS OLD: Terrorist
    I know it seems messed up in retrospect, but keep in mind that this was BEFORE 9/11
  4. THREE WEEKS OLD: The Zodiac Killer
    I know it seems messed up in retrospect, but keep in mind that this was AFTER he killed all those people
  5. SEVEN WEEKS OLD: Professional Baseball Player
    I mention this in one of my very first diary entries, and it's a goal I did later end up accomplishing. Remember that stretch in 1997 when Barry Bonds struck out 300 times in a row? That was because I was him
  6. THREE MONTHS OLD: Terrorist (again)
    You know how fickle infants can be about their career goals during their first few months! But still, sorry to beat a dead horse
  7. FOUR MONTHS OLD: Dead Horse Beater
    While I've certainly beat off a few dead horses (the embalming process is much easier after a horse's testicles have been drained, and the equine penile pleasure muscles stay receptive for up to three hours after death), and while I've DEFINITELY beat off in the presence of dead horses (horses aren't the only mammals with penile pleasure muscles 😎), I've never actually accomplished my childhood dream of beating up a horse posthumously
  8. NINE MONTHS OLD: List App Community Manager
    This one hasn't panned out. But given that the job had to go to someone other than myself, List App could do a whole lot worse than @Nicholas 😉
  9. TEN MONTHS OLD: Root Beer Enthusiast
    The fuck, @Nicholas took that too?
  10. AGE ONE: Astronaut
    Like every other red-blooded American boy, I went through quite the little astronaut phase! In fact, one of my earliest memories is when my dad took me to the Kennedy Space Center and I fucked a horse after
  11. AGE TWO: Founder and CEO of Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities
    I was dead-set on this for a good few months (my parents even got me an awesome BLMIS-themed cake for my second birthday party). But in light of later events, it turns out I really dodged a bullet by losing *interest* in that career path before I got too *invested* in it (puns intended 😜)
  12. AGE THREE: B.J. Novak
    I still have the letter my alarmed teacher sent to my parents about how I spent my first day of preschool writing "B.J. Novak" on every single juicebox in the class fridge, using my own blood as ink. My parents may have been angry at the time, but years later I got the last laugh: ever hear of a little TV show called The Office?
  13. AGE FOUR TO PRESENT: A Horse
    I'm not a horse yet, but I haven't given up hope!