STRATEGIES I USE FOR CALMING MYSELF DOWN WHEN I'M FEELING ANXIOUS

  1. Imagine Natalie Portman recounting the plot of a "Mad Men" episode
  2. Try to name every "American Idol" winner, in chronological order, from memory
  3. Try to name every Britney Spears single, in chronological order, from memory
  4. Try to name every celebrity in the "Bad Blood" music video from memory
  5. Recite the quadratic formula in my head
  6. Open my Notes app and continue workshopping a caption that will be adequately self-deprecating for a selfie I've been wanting to post for three weeks
  7. Attempt the "3-5-7" breathing exercise I "learned" at the one yoga class I've ever been to
  8. Watch the Drake/Rihanna "What's My Name?" music video