HOW TO SURVIVE (AND NOT BE SCARED) AT A JUICE BAR

I'm not cool, but everyone else is. Here's how I do it.
  1. Check the menu online before you head in. It's gotta look like you've been here before. Information is power - or at least an anxiety reliever. Indecision is poison. It's a worse death than NOT getting this juice.
  2. Even if you know it's not new, ask if THAT juice is new. Then ask to try it. Say it's good, but you don't think this is what you want right now. Again, this establishes that THIS IS A REGULAR THING THAT YOU DO LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
  3. Tell the girl/guy with cool glasses/tattoos that works there that you like this place way more than the other juice place (that you've been to once and utilized the same tactic). Don't think about the off chance that the stores might know each other and talk about you - you can't get too inside your head right now.
  4. Remember that even though it's just a juice BAR, it's not a real bar. You will actually remember the things that happen here and it's very hard to accidentally leave your credit card.
  5. That lovely woman there - the one you'd abandon your family in exchange for her firm, severely platonic, handshake - she's not looking at you. She actually can't see you. I know your brain is sending garbled messages to your legs just saying STAND LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN, but relax, you are actually invisible.
  6. Dress in cool business casual or workout gear. You have a cool "only in LA" kinda lifestyle brand with 1-million Instagram followed or are super fit. You have to believe this. Just for a few more minutes.
  7. Don't be surprised at the price. In fact, make it clear how much of deal you're getting with all these very expensive, hard to source/gather, ingredients you definitely can't get at Trader Joe's.
  8. Anything Charcoal. Drink it. God brews it for angels. Everlasting life will cure your fear. Until your realize forever is a very long time. How many wives can you stand to outlive? How many descendants can you have before you start to not care anymore that they're related to you? I don't know, but you'll have plenty of time to think about it.