I just hung up with my parents in Florida. Apparently last night they watched Fifty Shades of Grey, without knowing what it was about beforehand. I've transcribed as best I could the conversation between my mom, my stepdad (Big Joe) and myself.
  1. Mom: "I get Joseph and myself all comfortable under the blanket, we've got drinks, we're ready to watch a movie. So we're flipping through this device and I wanna watch Black Mass, but the only version available on this thing has Chinese subtitles. You know I can't stand those."
  2. Me: "Right, I know."
  3. Big Joe: "They don't bother me."
  4. Mom: "Well they bother me. So the next available movie is something called Fifty Shades of Grey."
    ("Something called Fifty Shades of Grey" amuses me for some reason. I think it's just her unfamiliarity with this extremely popular series.)
  5. Me: "You guys went into that blind?"
  6. Big Joe: "I thought you liked it?"
  7. Me: "Never seen it."
  8. Mom: "I told you, Joseph! I told you we should call John before we watch it and see what he thinks."
  9. Me: "I would not have recommended it for you two."
  10. Big Joe: "You've never seen it though. How would you know if we'd like it?"
  11. Me: "It's a pop culture phenomenon, basically everyone is aware of the premise of it. There's a book series."
  12. Big Joe: "Did you read them?"
  13. Me: "Nope. But there's a whole tumblr movement about how damaging it is and how inaccurately it represents the BDSM lifestyle."
  14. Mom: "The what?"
  15. Me: "Nothing. Go on."
  16. Mom: "Okay well we hated it."
  17. Big Joe: "It was dumb."
  18. Mom: "It was so boring! Not even the sex scenes were fun. Those were boring too. How do you make sex scenes boring?"
  19. Me: "I don't know, Mom."
  20. Mom: "Well, they did it. Boring."
  21. Big Joe: "It was bad. Just bad. What did you think of it?"
  22. Me: "Yeah, yknow, didn't see it."
  23. Big Joe: "Right. Sure."
  24. Me: "Okay?"
  25. Big Joe: "This guy makes her sign a sex contract!"
  26. Mom: "I thought feminism was all the rage now? That's not very feminist. How is this so popular?"
  27. Big Joe: "And the guy wants to spank her on the ass with a whip!"
  28. Mom: "We should have been done at that point."
  29. Me: "Probably, yeah."
  30. Big Joe: "Then, okay, you know, they've got this guy, right? And he's a big deal, he's ripping off his shirt, and he's not even that hot."
  31. Mom: "I'd disagree there."
  32. Big Joe: "Oh."
  33. Mom: "Mhm."
  34. Big Joe: "Well the girl wasn't hot."
  35. Mom: "No not at all."
  36. Me: "I think she's cute."
  37. Mom: "I thought you didn't see the movie?"
  38. Me: "I know the actress."
  39. Mom: "Sure."
  40. Me: "Okay?"
  41. Mom: "One thing the movie does right is their chemistry in the beginning. All the build up is good. They're good together. Then the sex happens and I don't know, suddenly they stop working together. Bleh. Boring."
  42. Big Joe: "And the ending is dumb."
  43. Me: "Well it's the start of a trilogy."
  44. Big Joe: "There's gonna be more of these terrible movies?"
  45. Me: "Two more."
  46. Mom: "Huh. I'll watch them."
  47. Me: "What?"
  48. Big Joe: "Yeah. Me too."
  49. Me: "Okay?"