Three Squeezes

A very long and sappy story
  1. So, something really special just happened to me.
  2. It's kind of personal, and I'm not even sure I should post about it on any kind of social media/public forum thing
    Not because it's gross, but because it's intimate and small.
  3. But I figured if any group of people would appreciate a moment like this, it would be you guys, and if any forum at all would be appropriate, it would be this one.
    Even though I don't post very often, I ❤️ li.st
  4. Some background info
    Oh boy this is already way too much lead up and I have doomed myself but here goes
  5. Some of you know that I'm married to @jakebrandman
    He's a BMOC on li.st and in my ❤️
  6. Well, before I met Jake, I only dated assholes
    Not by choice, I swear, but since I was always the only one left after all the ashes blew away, I guess it *was* my "choice" after all...
  7. Anyway...my only fairly serious boyfriend in my 20's really wasn't very nice to me.
    He told me I had a "weird body," and then acted totally shocked when I was offended, like it was just a fact and it was confusing to him that I didn't already know my body was weird! Just because I am an 🍎 and not a 🍐. Well his 🍆 was more of a 🌶 so fuck him (well, don't).
  8. ANYWAY! OY!
    Sorry.
  9. So. I stayed with this jerko for almost a year even though he said a lot of mean things like that and didn't follow through when he said he would and generally was pretty dumb and terrible.
  10. One thing that I always remember is that at night, after the lights were out, I would often squeeze his hand or his hip or something three times, to say hi, for reassurance, to share a secret, but he never ever squeezed back. The absence of return squeezes made me feel lonelier than almost anything else.
    Even when I brought it up directly or clearly asked for squeezes back, he ignored it or told me I was being silly.
  11. He was such a jerk!
  12. But also
  13. I was needy. And scared. And felt like I didn't deserve real love, so I didn't get it from him.
    Sort of like wearing a "kick me - I had a bad childhood!" sign on my back for like 27 years?
  14. Ultimately, he broke up with me, and I was a mess.
  15. That next year, I made out with some other jerk-offs, and felt like shit. But then...I stopped. Through therapy and a lot of navel-gazing, I realized I had agency in my own life. I *could* choose whom to give my heart and my body to, and if I could only be "attracted" to jerks, then maybe I needed a break from men (BOYS) for a while.
    Until I could re-learn what attraction really means and how to like someone nice.
  16. So I took one.
  17. In the meantime, I broke up with my dad (such a longer story for another day!), I got moving on my career, and I got a really pretty skirt!
  18. Eventually, I met @jakebrandman
    That's a good story too, but later, later!!
  19. I joke that he was the first man who was nice to me, and so I married him.
    But it's not really a joke, so it's not really funny, and also it is true.
  20. Sometime after we started dating, it was late one night, and the lights were out.
    We had been in bed for a while, and I was sure he was asleep.
  21. I thought to myself, "don't do it, Jac. You really like this guy and you are just setting yourself up to fail. Just don't do it!"
    But really, how could I stop myself?
  22. So
  23. I squeezed him. Three times.
    I told myself it wasn't a test. That I was just being playful and it didn't even matter (but it did)
  24. I squeezed him three times even though I knew he was asleep and I was doing it just to get it out of my stupid system.
  25. But
  26. He squeezed me back.
  27. Three times.
  28. He reached his big man paw back, and without rolling over or opening his eyes at all, he squeezed my hand three times. Just to say "hi. I'm here. And I hear you."
  29. So I married him.
  30. And as many of you know, we have a baby. Well, he's a toddler now, because he's 15 months old and he walks like Frankenstein. His name is Evan and he is, legitimately, perfect.
  31. In case you don't believe me, just look at this, taken today:
  32. Or this, from yesterday:
  33. Or also this:
  34. So now we are all in agreement: perfection.
  35. So tonight, I was putting Evan to bed, when something really special happened to me
    No, I did not forget the point of my story!
  36. I gave Evan his bottle, and sang to him, and gave him an excellent cuddle.
    Like every night
  37. Then I put him down in his crib.
  38. I hummed and rubbed his back a little, and I was turning to go because I thought he was asleep
  39. When
  40. He reached out his tiny hand and grabbed my bigger one
    Can you guess what happened next?
  41. Without turning towards me or opening his little green eyes, he squeezed my hand
    Three times
  42. So I did what any reasonable, sane, loving person would do
    I squeezed his little hand back. Three times.
  43. And he did it again.
    So I did it again.
  44. And this went on for a few rounds. Until he gave my hand one hard squeeze, and went to sleep.
  45. I held his little sleeping hand for a few minutes longer, even though my arm was getting numb. All of this history - which I have not thought of in SO LONG - came rushing in, and I got all teary.
    I'm like a leaky fucking faucet since I became a mom, it's very obscene.
  46. And I wanted to share this with all of you
  47. Because
  48. We are all lonely sometimes. And we are all scared and lots of us feel unloveable. And lots of us date jerks and lots of us wonder
    Is there anyone out there who will squeeze me back in the dark?
  49. And I wanted to tell you: there is. And you shouldn't settle for anyone who doesn't. I'm still needy and I'm still scared, and Jake and I fight and take each other for granted and confuse each other for old enemies, especially when we're tired
    Dear God we are so tired since Mr. Perfect came along
  50. But. We always squeeze each other back. And I cannot believe it, but our love created a tiny human who is a squeezer by nature. He came out a little creature of love and cuddles and yumminess, and he would not exist if I'd let myself marry someone who didn't meet me where I am.
  51. So I share this sappy story to remind you all to go forth and be weirdos! Your weirdo is out there just waiting for you to squeeze three times.
  52. And also, I bought myself some Haagen Dazs vanilla and some chocolate magic shell, and I ate it right before I wrote this list, so I'm riding pretty high right now, friends.
    ❤️❤️❤️