Things I Used to Believe

I was a dumb dummy.
  1. That sex was when a man did something to a woman's butt.
    I guess it can be but I thought that was the exclusive definition of sex.
  2. That there was some code that let you play as Princess Peach in the original Super Mario Bros.
    A friend of a friend swore he saw his older cousin do it.
  3. That Jurassic Park used gigantic robot dinosaurs to make the movie.
    My best friend's older sister liked to fuck with me.
  4. That my baby sitter wanted to date me even though she was 16 and I was 8.
    I was so sure she was into that pre-pubescent, "cuddle while watching Aladdin for the four hundredth time" kind of guy.
  5. That pizza was gross.
    I cry thinking about all the pizzas I didn't eat. RIP 90s pizzas. I let you down. I let myself down.
  6. That a girl in my sixth grade class had gotten pregnant when someone told me she got her period.
    Female anatomy was still a mystery to me.
  7. That Jesus was a real person who was magical and saved us from our sins and got mad when I masturbated.
    I was so dumb.