Things I Used to Believe
I was a dumb dummy.
- •That sex was when a man did something to a woman's butt.I guess it can be but I thought that was the exclusive definition of sex.
- •That there was some code that let you play as Princess Peach in the original Super Mario Bros.A friend of a friend swore he saw his older cousin do it.
- •That Jurassic Park used gigantic robot dinosaurs to make the movie.My best friend's older sister liked to fuck with me.
- •That my baby sitter wanted to date me even though she was 16 and I was 8.I was so sure she was into that pre-pubescent, "cuddle while watching Aladdin for the four hundredth time" kind of guy.
- •That pizza was gross.I cry thinking about all the pizzas I didn't eat. RIP 90s pizzas. I let you down. I let myself down.
- •That a girl in my sixth grade class had gotten pregnant when someone told me she got her period.Female anatomy was still a mystery to me.
- •That Jesus was a real person who was magical and saved us from our sins and got mad when I masturbated.I was so dumb.