I Freak Out If...(an ongoing list)

  1. My bed isn't made.
    No big deal, right? Wrong. I will shout "F$*K!" when I get home and see the way Past Jackie let Present Jackie down.
  2. If I can't shower before I go to sleep
    I've lived in New York. I've worked at an elementary school. Both situations are like Vietnam: there are no rules. You need to shower.
  3. I have to move/drive anyone else's car.
    I don't trust myself, and neither should you.
  4. I have to operate a television in someone else's home.
    There are four remotes and it promotes anxiety within.
  5. I think too long about outer space or the ocean.
    I can't even deal with this; where is a paper bag I can breathe into? I had to excuse myself from my 10th grade geometry class when my teacher explained infinity from a numerical standpoint.
  6. People just start looking through my phone.
    Mostly because...my photos are a lot of screenshots of memes (#sad) and my neurosis is demonstrated SO clearly by my Google search history. See next item on list.
  7. I Google an ailment/pain I have. (Or possibly have) (Or could possibly have) (Someday)
    I go straight for "In EXTREMELY RARE CASES..." for the prognosis. I think this picture speaks for itself.
  8. Someone tells me "I have something to talk to you about later."
    I will worry about this all day. You will end up telling me about the guy you kissed this past weekend. I am relieved that you don't have one of the ailments I've recently Googled.
  9. Someone I care about (and know very well) is traveling and I don't know that you made it home OK.
    I know that you're an adult and that I'm not your mom...and that I am terrible about confirming my whereabouts, tambien. But...I just worry something has happened to you. Just post a picture or something and I can go to sleep. OR...allow me to believe you never leave your city/ drive in terrible weather. Crisis averted.