Things you should never (under any circumstance) say to me on the subway:
It's an urban legend (see what I did there?) that people meet in places like the subway and fall in love. The subway is a sacred place where you breathe out of your mouth and pray you don't get stuck under a tunnel; it is not a place to find your soulmate. Don't believe me? Read the Missed Connections from NYC.
- •What is your name?Excuse me? I'm so uncomfortable. Are you going to watch which stop I get off at now? I'm terrified. Sally, my name is Sally. You psycho.
- •Which stop is yours?Again...if I wanted to share that information, I would wear a shirt that says "Lorimer Stop; follow me if you want to party", but I'm not wearing that shirt, am I?
- •Did some shopping today, eh?No. I just carry bags around in case I need to pee in a pinch. (Not unbelievable because...New York, please let people use your bathrooms. I'm so tired of buying Ethos water from a Starbucks so that I can relieve a basic human function, which I am then ironically and directly contributing BACK to the original problem after consuming said water).
- •Is that your boyfriend?He is now.
- •Did you actually go to NYU, or are you just wearing the shirt?Does it matter? Are you personally offended that I'm wearing a shirt that essentially cost me 30K? Yes, I went there. Go away, snob. I'm morally and financially bankrupt from attending this institution...but I look AMAZING in purple.
- •God I hate going to Brooklyn, don't you?No, you Bridge and Tunnel phobic. I LIVE(D) here...get off my train if you hate it so much. But you don't REALLY hate it, because the food and bars here are so much better and people's personal style is far more interesting here. Stop complaining. You GET to go to Brooklyn.
- •Do you smell that?Yes. I made the same mistake that you did and got on the abandoned car (which is abandoned for a reason)...Acknowledging it is totally human, but I'm not like, going on a Nancy Drew excursion to determine its origin! That's insanity.
- •Wanna come party with us?*You're obviously a serial killer/ finance guy with too many drugs, roofies in your personal stash and I am terrified* look.
- •Hey, blondie. Hey, I'm talking to you.Hey, I know. That's why my earbuds are in...possibly totally disconnected from my device in a pinch to appear distracted/incapable of hearing this romantic, creative approach.