2015/16 BARCLAYS PREMIER LEAGUE TEAMS (RANKED BY HOW MUCH I LIKE THEM)

A guide if you're looking to get in on the fun that is English football. Or soccer, if you'd prefer.
  1. 1.
    Manchester City
    My club since my senior year of college (2006/07). Originally drawn by my hatred for Man United and the obnoxious United fans in my dorm. Love the "noisy neighbors" tag. They presently play a very pretty, outside/in passing game, with fast wingers and a lethal striker (Sergio "Kün" Aguero).
  2. 2.
    Everton
    My girlfriend's club. Tomorrow is the first Jasanda Derby of the season.
  3. 3.
    AFC Bournemouth
    The newbies. This is Bournemouth's first ever taste of top-flight football. A few years ago they were a fourth-division club. They have a young manager, the coolest badge in the league, and play a "give no fucks" all-out attacking style of football, despite their lack of roster depth and skill.
  4. 4.
    Southampton
    The developmental arm of the BPL. Recently, every year the Saints lose a bevy of talented young players to the wealthy clubs, rebuild from their youth academy, and compete for a place in European competition. And they play fun, fast-paced football.
  5. 5.
    Crystal Palace
    Managed by my favorite insane Frenchman (Alan Pardew). London's forgotten team. Great fans, funky kits.
  6. 6.
    Swansea City
    The only current club who plays in Wales, the Swans boast a number of really exciting young players. They're in the same boat as Southampton and Stoke City. They're not going to earn a Champions League berth any time soon, but they can certainly play spoiler and entertain you while doing so.
  7. 7.
    Norwich City
    Their nickname is "The Canaries." They play at Carrow Road. They wear yellow and green. This is all to say they're not a "big" club. Think "Tampa Bay Rays." Small time market. Not a lot of financial backing. Making due with smart signings of effective, inexpensive players.
  8. 8.
    Stoke City
    "Little Barcelona." No, not the town. The town is an old manufacturing hub. The club has built itself in Barcelona's mold. Possession and passing is the name of the game. Could make a run at European football this year.
  9. 9.
    West Bromwich Albion
    The turkey sandwich of the Premier League. No one seeks out a turkey sandwich but it's perfectly palatable and it's probably not going away any time soon.
  10. 10.
    Liverpool
    I find their fans insufferably charming. Or charmingly insufferable. I get goosebumps when they sing "You'll Never Walk Alone" before matches. They're on the upswing and should start competing for the Champions League, consistently, soon, if not this season. Probably the first or second most popular English club in the States.
  11. 11.
    Newcastle
    Playing all the way up on "Tyneside" in the northeast of England, Newcastle is a storied club currently undergoing a period where they lack an identity on the pitch. Their fans are notorious for their, shall we say, boisterousness. There's not a lot of hope here.
  12. 12.
    Tottenham Hotspur
    Thanks for Clint Dempsey playing for them, Spurs has a loyal following in the U.S. They play their matches at White Hart Lane, which is a cool name for a stadium. They currently have the most exciting English player (Harry Kane) on their roster (before Real Madrid spends £100 million on him). Their main rival is Arsenal, who moved to North London a long time ago, into Tottenham territory, and continue to annoy Spurs fans to this day because of it.
  13. 13.
    Arsenal
    Arsenal is the pretty girl or guy from high school who is 29 now and trying desperately hard to remind people of their previous peak. Consistently a top 4 club, but rarely a threat to finish top of the table despite having enough depth to field two very good clubs from their one roster. And their manager, Arsne Wenger, wears a funny puffy jacket.
  14. 14.
    Watford
    Newbies who have never spent consecutive seasons in the Premier League. So consider your investment in a BPL club wisely.
  15. 15.
    Leicester City
    3 of their players (now all gone) were caught in the offseason in a homemade sex tape with Thai hookers. This barely made waves. Imagine if that happened in any U.S. sports league. This has nothing to do with the Foxes, but there's not a lot to say about them.
  16. 16.
    West Ham United
    The Hammers have a lot of talent and consistently underachieve. They beat Arsenal in Week 1 and lost to Bournemouth (at home) today. Rooting for the Hammers is a thankless endeavor.
  17. 17.
    Aston Villa
    A flight attendant once saw me watching a match on a plane and asked me who my club was. I told him "City" and he replied that his was Aston Villa. I think about that man often and feel great pity for him.
  18. 18.
    Sunderland
    They're probably going to get relegated this year. Their striker is roughly 44 years old (Jermaine Defoe). Their fans routinely protest the club by leaving home matches at halftime.
  19. 19.
    Manchester United
    The first soccer club I ever hated, Manchester United prints money at their own mint (all the big clubs do but there's something special about United's limitless funds because unlike other elite clubs, they're not owned by Russian mobsters and Arab oil barons). United have slumped of late after their legendary (dickhead) manager, Sir Alex Ferguson retired. They refer to their stadium as the "Theatre of Dreams," which, gag me. And they wear red. No one should wear red.
  20. 20.
    Chelsea
    The absolute worst. Owned by a creepy Russian zillionaire, whose income source is unknown, and managed by the CEO of The Jerk Store, and cheered by an army of out-and-out racists (the "Headhunters") Chelsea possess fewer redeeming qualities than a pickup team of Kim Jong-Un and his besties. I would sooner root for the son of the Dear Leader than any club managed by Jose Mourinho.