50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER

(Or have them leave you)
  1. 1.
    Front door
  2. 2.
    Back door
  3. 3.
    Large bay window
  4. 4.
    Small spare bedroom window
  5. 5.
    One of those tiny rectangular windows in the bathroom of an Italian restaurant (from the movies)
  6. 6.
    Roll out of the driver's side door while dangerously turning on Dead Man's Curve
  7. 7.
    Roll out of the driver's side door while cautiously driving through a school zone at 3 pm on a Tuesday
  8. 8.
    Start listening exclusively to Hootie and the Blowfish's "Fairweather Johnson"
  9. 9.
    Talk about your novel
  10. 10.
    Keep talking about your novel
  11. 11.
    Keep talking about how you want to write your novel
  12. 12.
    Take them to see that buddy of yours from high school perform a one-man improv act at a VFW in Rancho Cucamonga
  13. 13.
    Subtweet them
  14. 14.
    Make a list about their flaws on ListApp
  15. 15.
    Instagram pictures of them sleeping
  16. 16.
    Put your favorite red sock in the washing machine with his/her deceased grandmother's wedding dress
  17. 17.
    Treat her/him to a nice vacation in Odessa
  18. 18.
    Treat her/him to a nice vacation in Abilene
  19. 19.
    You know what? Any sort of vacation to West Texas will suffice.
  20. 20.
    Tell them you made a reservation for Valentine's Day, but totally forget until the last minute, and then scramble to put together an unforgettably haphazard meal that leaves your lover stricken with ringworm.
  21. 21.
    Start producing and selling a love tonic made entirely from agricultural run-off
  22. 22.
    Remember DB Cooper? Try that.
  23. 23.
    Ants
  24. 24.
    You know that shirt with the spaghetti sauce stain that you refuse to throw away? Continue refusal.
  25. 25.
    Invent the concept of "sex giggling"
  26. 26.
    Sex giggle
  27. 27.
    Always give the benefit of the doubt to Hitler
  28. 28.
    Try your hand at opera by attending an opera and yelling lines from "Joe's Apartment" during the performance.
  29. 29.
    Pronounce everything in a very racist Asian accent
  30. 30.
    Braid your beard
  31. 31.
    Fake polio
  32. 32.
    Actually contract polio (but make it all about you)
  33. 33.
    Argue that Ringo was the best Beatle
  34. 34.
    Argue that George was the best Beatle
  35. 35.
    Argue that John was the best Beatle
  36. 36.
    Start an "all sardine" diet, but only eat in bed
  37. 37.
    Do that thing that balloon boy did, but actually do it
  38. 38.
    At dinner parties, argue that Congress is actually doing a great job
  39. 39.
    Enroll in the Westboro Baptist Church
  40. 40.
    Create your own church called the Eastboro Baptist Church that is much more vitriolic than the WBC
  41. 41.
    Hop on the bus
  42. 42.
    Buy a PT Cruiser
  43. 43.
    Litter
  44. 44.
    Cyber bully complete strangers
  45. 45.
    Confess to the Jon Benet Ramsey murder even though you didn't do it
  46. 46.
    Make a point to ogle joggers while with your lover
  47. 47.
    Shoplift from Aeropostale
  48. 48.
    Act like you're the first person to ever listen to Pavement
  49. 49.
    Tip less than 20% at restaurants
  50. 50.
    Read this entire list while your lover is undergoing open-heart surgery