GOP PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES RANKED BY HOW GOOD THEY WOULD BE AS PRESIDENT
Bearing in mind that I'm Team Bernie and hope it never comes to this
- •John KasichIn this field, he may as well be a declared socialist. Socially moderate (relatively), not cripplingly anti-union, pro small business, and a successful legislator and now Governor, Kasich has got a great résumé and is perfectly charming. So he has no chance of winning the nomination...
- •Marco RubioI really, really like Marco Rubio. No, not politically. Personally. I've had the pleasure of interacting with him a handful of times. The guy is charming without that faux-smile thing that some candidates have (in the interest of privacy, let's just say "H. Clinton"). Rubio is young, quick on his feet, effortlessly nice, smart, bilingual, and in my estimation, nowhere near as conservative as his platform says. We could survive this for four years.
- •Chris ChristieHe'd be the first President to be sworn in to "Thunder Road," so I would love that. And in this field, he's downright moderate. Drawback: Not big on infrastructure running in a timely manner
- •Lindsey GrahamSo hawkish that he makes John McCain look like Cindy Sheehan. But elsewhere Graham is a fairly moderate Republican, and was a leading force behind the Senate's immigration bill. Plus he's really sarcastic and he's a bachelor (LOL) so you know ABC is licking their chops at the possibility of a ratings bonanza.
- •Rand PaulI, kind of like Rand Paul (?). At least a little. Whereas some of these candidates are absolute bloviating masses spewing out "hot takes" Rand has his issues and he is clear on them and has actual conviction. I respect that. And he will eventually back down and find compromise. But are we ready for a President Rand?
- •iCarly FiorinaOnly executive experience comes from running a company that made DeskJet printers, so eminently more qualified than half this field.
- •George PatakiVanilla ice cream in one of those horrible cones that taste like church wafers taped together.
- •Jim GilmoreVanilla ice cream in the palm of your hand.
- •Rick PerryI mean, a dumb, former Texas Governor as President. How bad could it get?
- •Bobby JindalHe'd be the biggest pushover. Look at him. He's like 100 pounds and kind of dopey. He'll back down from a Freshman Congressman from New Jersey. Totally harmless (except for all the things he believes!)
- •Donald TrumpI don't think a Trump presidency would actually be the *worst* outcome of the 2016 cycle. First, I'm not sure he believes anything he says. Second, he'll get bored and resign after 3 months. Third, his SOTU address would be stunning. And finally, I've always thought the White House could use a big TRUMP logo on it.
- •Mike HuckabeeA chubby Fox News talking head who thinks it's still 1954 and probably has a painting above his bed of Joseph McCarthy. His views are to the right of Sarah Palin after five shots of Fireball. That said, no one will ever listen to him.
- •Ted CruzWhile I think it would be super cool to have a Cuban Canadian President of the United States, maybe this isn't the guy to break that glass ceiling.
- •Rick SantorumOn the one hand, you have the sweater vests and creepy anti-gay/woman/non-Christian bullshit but on the other hand, no one in Washington actually like him so he won't be able to get much done.
- •Dr. Ben CarsonSure, different voices are nice. And look, he seems like a perfectly charming neurosurgeon. That makes him as qualified to be president as anyone on ListApp. The man has zero executive, judicial, or legislative experience. Literally none. Business or government. And his knowledge of foreign policy is limited to say the least. It's possible that he thinks Heaven is an actual country located in Israel, like some Middle East Swaziland.
- •Scott WalkerDon't let the folksy accent fool you: Walker is an anti-labor, anti-woman lunatic disguised as a regular Joe. Easily the most frightening candidate because he could win the general and destroy our country in his first 100 days.