STATE CAPITALS AS FIRST NAMES

What your state capital first name says about you
  1. Montgomery, AL
    You're a very wealthy heir to a tobacco farm. You like pastel pants and you dislike socks.
  2. Juneau, AK
    You're the bassist in an all-female noise rock band.
  3. Phoenix, AZ
    Your parents were hippies. You go to Arizona State.
  4. Little Rock, AR
    Your parents hate you.
  5. Sacramento, CA
    Your parents hate you.
  6. Denver, CO
    You play lacrosse.
  7. Hartford, CT
    You summer in the Hamptons. Your parents aren't British but they say your name like they are.
  8. Dover, DE
    Your on the same lacrosse team as Denver.
  9. Tallahassee, FL
    Your parents conceived you while undergrads at Florida State.
  10. Atlanta, GA
    Your parents hate you.
  11. Honolulu, HI
    Your parents hate you.
  12. Boise, ID
    Your lacrosse team plays Denver and Dover's team at regionals next week.
  13. Springfield, IL
    Your dad was a HUGE "Simpsons" fan. Your mother wasn't very good at conflict.
  14. Indianapolis, IN
    The hatred that your parents felt for you was immense.
  15. Des Moines, IA
    You're constantly trying to come up with a more interesting story for your name than the truth: your parents put every state capital into a hat and drew Des Moines.
  16. Topeka, KS
    You mostly go by the nickname "Top" (pronounced "taupe") so that's pretty cool.
  17. Frankfort, KY
    Montgomery is your best friend.
  18. Baton Rouge, LA
    Your name is "Red Stick."
  19. Augusta, ME
    You're the second percussionist in that band with Juneau.
  20. Annapolis, MD
    No one knows what your deal is. Can you please be a little less standoffish?
  21. Boston, MA
    Your parents, with all due respect, are horrible people.
  22. Lansing, MI
    You're full of yourself but that's just part of your charm.
  23. Saint Paul, MN
    You play Free Safety for the Oakland Raiders
  24. Jackson, MS
    You're a pretty cool guy and you have a great song named after you. Life is an all-around enjoyable endeavor.
  25. Jefferson City, MO
    I don't even know where to begin...
  26. Helena, MT
    You were named after your parents' favorite actress which honestly says more about them than it does you.
  27. Lincoln, NE
    You're a super chill dentist who is probably looking for something more serious with the girl you've been hooking up with.
  28. Carson City, NV
    You have group therapy sessions with Jefferson City.
  29. Concord, NH
    You played lacrosse until you assaulted Dover at a bar one night and now you're serving a two year sentence for battery.
  30. Trenton, NJ
    You're a very tough person to be around and it's not just the "smell" thing.
  31. Santa Fe, NM
    You shop at Anthropologie.
  32. Albany, NY
    You grew up in Schenectady so life has been a fairly confusing thing for you.
  33. Raleigh, NC
    Original lead guitarist in the noise rock band, you quit to focus on your folk-influenced solo career.
  34. Bismarck, ND
    You're German. Very, very German.
  35. Columbus, OH
    You hate that your weird Uncle Rusty calls you "Columbo" for short and laughs every time he does it. That guy...
  36. Oklahoma City, OK
    Your parents named you to honor the victims of the 1995 terrorist attack which to this day seems like it was well-intentioned, but ultimately not terribly helpful to the victims of that atrocity.
  37. Salem, OR
    You're big into witches and no one has the heart to tell you you're named after a totally different Salem.
  38. Harrisburg, PA
    You're just happy that when your parents pulled Scrabble tiles out of a bag, it thankfully and mercifully spelled out something resembling a human name, albeit barely.
  39. Providence, RI
    Your parents are way into spirits.
  40. Columbia, SC
    Your insistence on displaying a symbol of our nation's dark history of racism is a scourge on you and your friends. Also, you love Waffle House.
  41. Pierre, SD
    Life is pretty good because no one knows how your name is actually pronounced.
  42. Nashville, TN
    Someone in your family once attended a taping at the Grand Ol' Opry
  43. Austin, TX
    You played college baseball and you're a pretty big deal at the insurance agency you work for.
  44. Salt Lake City, UT
    When you introduce yourself with your nickname, people wonder how "Eselscee" is spelled.
  45. Montpelier, VT
    Your parents love you, but you hate them.
  46. Richmond, VA
    You have a "prestige" last name but you're not actually from a "prestige" family. You play soccer. You hate when people call you "Rich."
  47. Olympia, WI
    You're the lead singer of that all-female noise rock band.
  48. Charleston, WV
    You used to be friends with Montgomery and Frankfort until they started hanging around with Richmond and you totally hate that guy.
  49. Madison, WI
    You were born after 1985.
  50. Cheyenne, WY
    You're the MPDG we've all been waiting for. You dye your hair on a whim. Your lip is pierced. An oversized t-shirt and acid wash jorts look good on you. And you love the sports and/or music that we love. There's a 38 year old screenwriter writing about you right now.