How I'm Ringing in 2016

  1. 5 pm: Say goodnight to my children, Inspiration and Steve Jr.
    I send them to SoHo House Jr, Palo Alto's most exclusive children's rehab center/kennel every New Year's Eve.
  2. 6 pm: Take a Lyft to Travis Kalanick's mansion.
    Just to piss him off.
  3. 7:45 pm: Dinner reservations at San Francisco's hottest new restaurant, Plâs.
    Every dish is served in plasma form through an IV bag. It's food the way it's meant to be consumed. I rev omens the Lobster Etouffee drip.
  4. 9:15 pm: Uber to Gavin Newsom's pied a terre for champagne colonics.
    A great way to get jazzed for the night.
  5. 10:30 pm: Dancing on Steve Balmer's private nuclear submarine.
    I hear he got Girl Talk to DJ this year.
  6. 11:45 pm: Carly Fiorina's Fundraising Orgy.
    The highlight of every New Year's.
  7. 12:30 am: Hoverboard jousting at Sean Parker's personal Medieval Times.
    He built one in his house so he could watch every night. The green knight ALWAYS gives him his favor.
  8. 2:00 am: Cocaine hour.
  9. 3:00 am: Pool party at Zuckerberg's place.
    No Sergeys allowed!
  10. 5:00 am: Uber home, sleep until January 3rd.
    And pick up my kids, I guess.