Spirits I Communed With Tonight

For those of you not in the loop, my home used to be a state orphanage until I bought it out and turned it into a mansion @curbed once described as "the axe body spray of houses." I guess I desecrated the wrong burial site, because about once a month I get haunted.
  1. The ghost that crawled out of my TV.
    I didn't know ghosts COULD haunt UHDTVs. At least it looked really, really good.
  2. The hitchhiking ghosts that hang out in my garage.
    They wanted to go for a ride in my Tesla, but no way was I going to let them get ectoplasm all over the seats.
  3. The weeping orphan ghost wearing a burlap sack over its head.
    Jesus, you bulldoze ONE pile of rotting child corpses out of the way to install your infinity pool and you never stop hearing about it.
  4. A whole bunch of dead pets.
    I also bulldozed some pet corpses.
  5. Demon Boy
    I don't know WHERE the fuck this one came from. I really need to find some ghost exterminators. Anyone know some good ones in the Bay Area?
  6. The ghosts of Christmas Future and Christmas Past, but not the other guy.
    They said that present was "kind of a dick."
  7. My good friend Steve Jobs.