Universal Truths I Learned on My Three Day Spiritual Retreat at the Esalen Institute

Despite my massive success, I felt like I was in a rut. Thankfully, Lama Todd had the perfect solution for me: a three-day stay at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur. Amidst the meditation sessions, Gestalt practice and tantric yoga, I realized a few universal truths.
  1. Clothing-optional hot springs are a great place to make new friends, but a terrible place to discuss the merits of "The Fountainhead"
  2. Depression can be treated with organic eating, group chanting, and a healthy dose of LSD.
  3. B. F. Skinner's bones taste like cherry Jolly Ranchers
  4. When you act out your dreams with your new friends, you'll no longer be afraid of a dragon with the head of your father that vomits blood.
  5. Taoism teaches us to interact in a non-judgmental headspace, which is a shame because the instructor Michael was a total dick.
  6. Empathy is a wonderful thing for poor people to have. Otherwise, they might view the rich as some sort of enemy, rather than their social betters.
  7. Your children are the greatest gift life can give you, no matter how soul-shatteringly disappointing they can be.
  8. It's surprisingly hard to perform sexually in front of a crowd of cheering onlookers.