Ways to Disrupt the Primaries

  1. Create a robot that will force every American, at knifepoint, to literally vote or die.
  2. Install Marco Rubio's emotion chip, allowing him to better interact with organic life forms.
  3. Release Donald Trump's long form dick certificate.
  4. Actively campaign for Bernie Sanders on all dating websites until Americans can no longer be aroused without seeing the senator's face.
  5. Use latest synthetic skin technology to create a face for Ted Cruz that people don't instinctively want to drive an axe into.
  6. Feed Hillary false demographic data so that she begins every stump speech with "Where my 90 year old bisexual cat lovers at?"
  7. Teach @GovJohnKasich how to use the Handspring Trio his granddaughter bought him in 2002.
  8. Light pile of money on fire to summon the spirit of Mitt Romney