TEN WAYS YOU'LL DIE, BEFORE A SYRIAN REFUGEE KILLS YOU

  1. 1.
    A texting driver raping you with his Ebola penis.
  2. 2.
    Jumping in front of a bullet fired by your six-year-old daughter who was trying to take out her bitch of a grandma.
  3. 3.
    A cat taking away your breath as you sleep, because fuck cats.
  4. 4.
    A truck driver merging into your lane because you aren't as important as they are, so you should have known better.
  5. 5.
    Mixing Cialis and Viagra at the same time, in an attempt to be "King Penis."
  6. 6.
    A family member bludgeoning you to death to stop you from constantly bitching about how scared you are of refugees.
  7. 7.
    The gays.
  8. 8.
    Shoveling large quantities of meat into all of your holes until you're face-down in a bowl of beans like the Gluttony victim in "Seven."
  9. 9.
    Tripping over one of your 147 guns, and impaling yourself on another one of your 147 guns.
  10. 10.
    Titty AIDS.