BREAKING: KATHERINE ELISE HARRIS IN LOVE TRIANGLE WITH LEONARDO DICAPRIO & AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

  1. DICAPRIO, TAYLOR-JOHNSON, HARRIS LOVE TRIANGLE HEATS UP AS VALENTINE'S DAY ULTIMATUM APPROACHES
    By Jessica Balboni, New York, NY (AP)
  2. It all started two months ago at the Inaugural Swarovski Ball, held at London's exclusive members-only club Annabel's. As fellow attendees including Prince Harry, Emma Watson, and Justin Bieber (soon escorted out after sneaking in through the servant's entrance) looked on in horror, only one thing became Swarovski crystal clear amidst the mayhem...
  3. .....two men - Leonardo Dicaprio and Britain's own Aaron Taylor-Johnson - were in the middle of what has now become a legendary brawl. And as the fists - and ascots - flew, the crowd realized: it was all over a woman.
    The SAME woman.
  4. As security teams scrambled to protect their respective charges, staff scrambled to pick up the shards of broken champagne glasses, and a sobbing Bieber scrambled to pick up the shards of his broken dreams en route to jail, the object of dueling affections was quickly whisked to her waiting Alfa Romeo. And the crowd was left reeling, asking aloud:
    WHO IS THIS MYSTERY WOMAN?
  5. According to the Associated Press, the woman in question is, it can now be confirmed, well known List App contributor, famed ice cream connossieur, and enigmatic author Katherine Elise Harris. Now, the world waits and wonders - sleepless, tortured:
    WHO WILL SHE CHOOSE?
  6. Each suitor has, indeed, done everything within their powers to win the woman of their mutual dreams. And after weeks of heartache for both men, they realize they can only agree on one thing: she must choose. Thus the ultimatum - and deadline - HAS been set, sources confirm.
    In a fitting twist, the AP has learned, Harris must choose by midnight.....on Valentine's Day.
  7. Pictured: Harris graciously posing for photographers outside Annabel's, mere hours before the passion-fueled melee took place
  8. Confused and overwhelmed, Harris has retreated to her castle on Scotland's Isle of Skye, with only her family dog Maizie, her sister, and a few close friends.
    Pictured: Harris' Isle of Skye residence, her favorite respite and where she is now (allegedly) hiding out as the world awaits her decision
  9. Pictured: a blurry shot of the DiCaprio/Taylor-Johnson melee that ultimately left the priceless decor of Annabel's in ruins
  10. Witnesses at the nearby, World-renowned eatery The Three Chimneys tell the Associated Press that Harris seemed so distraught when last spotted there - surrounded by bodyguards and paparazzi - she "barely even touched her Coke Zero", surely a troubling sign for the 24 year-old American object of worship and self-professed soda addict.
  11. Pictured: Taylor-Johnson in a rare captured moment of public despair, one of Harris' vintage Hermes scarves draped around his neck
  12. Both men have spent countless weeks, apparently, wooing Harris in their own unique ways. DiCaprio wisely initiated contact and established an epistolary relationship first, penning love letter after love letter, all addressed to katscribefever and sealed with melted red wax.
    (And SWAK, obviously)
  13. Just one of the many recent gifts DiCaprio has sent to Harris in an attempt to win her heart
  14. Once things heated up between the two, he began flying Harris all over the world, even surprising her one weekend with an Autumn-themed scavenger hunt.
  15. DiCaprio and Harris, caught by paparazzi as they frolic aboard his yacht in St. Tropez last month
  16. The scavenger hunt eventually led to New York City, where Leo was waiting onstage at Carnegie Hall. Empty but for him, her, and the sobbing masses of spurned Victoria's Secret models huddled outside, Leo serenaded Harris with a special, 3 hour performance of all her favorite Disney songs.
  17. Taylor-Johnson, meanwhile, went a different route: the culinary kind. After enrolling in Le Cordon Bleu just to impress his muse, he first blew her away with his white chocolate macadamia cookies - presented in a perfect baker's dozen, naturally (her favorite number)
    Each cookie bore their initials, a heart, and the #13 etched in gold-infused edible lettering
  18. His peppermint M&M cake, meanwhile, left her speechless. Sweets aside, however, it was the EFFORT that impressed her, and the fact that he could always make her laugh.
  19. Pictured: a far less interesting love triangle
  20. But things took a dark turn for the actor/chef when he suggested a day trip to the beach and, worse, followed it up by calling her "Kathy", one of her most abhorred nicknames.
  21. Still, sources insist it's still impossible to know who, if anyone, has the upper hand.
    (@ChrisK, a Harris confidante who allegedly almost aways knows the answer to a secret, could not be reached for comment)
  22. (ed. note: um, WOW. Hello. Editor is officially voicing her unsolicited support for Taylor-Johnson)
  23. Seriously. Holy Moly. BUT BACK NOW TO THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS:
  24. With time running out, Harris appears to be no closer to being able to decide. Witnesses saw her last week at breakfast with her sister, downing cup after cup of English Breakfast tea. "I LITERALLY can't choose!!", she said, over and over again. "Why can't I have both?"
  25. And, really, why NOT? Given her formidable charm and legendary beauty, and as the world awaits her decision with bated breath, that's not an option that should be ruled out. You never know: on this cold February Sunday, Ms. Harris just may find herself with TWO Valentines.
    (Such as she deserves!!! HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, @quixotic!!!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖)