COBRA KAI, RANKED

  1. 1.
    Johnny
    Alpha Kai, aspiring date rapist, flagrant flaunter of frosted feathered hair, douche. Karate Kid put Zabka on the map which, if nothing else, gave me my favorite new sentence, "Karate Kid put Zabka on the map"
  2. 2.
    Sensei Kreese
    The worst. Arrested in the early '90s after stumbling out of a midnight showing of "Rambo II: First Blood" and drunkenly demanding female passerby "Sweep my third leg"
  3. 3.
    Pictured: 80s perfection in gif form
  4. 4.
    Ally
    Permer of hair, pioneer of the "bandanna as headband" movement (yeah, that WAS a movement, believe me), dumper of Daniel, TRAITOR. Probably went to Vassar, majored in Women's Studies, then married a banker and devoted the rest of her life to "various charitable causes." Dead to me.
  5. 5.
    Pictured: LIES
  6. 6.
    Predator
    Sensitive and misunderstood, but a real motherfucker when provoked. Speaking of: after scoring a third date with Mrs. LaRusso (long story), suffers a career-ending, debilitating, full on panic attack in the backseat of the LaRusso station wagon after his anxiety meds cause "performance issues"
  7. 7.
    Pictured: the poor man's Cobra Kai
    Fact: every time I see "The Karate Kid" recorded on my dvr then realize it's actually the remake, my next door neighbor is forced to file a noise complaint
  8. 8.
    Bobby
    Cute, but also a total pussy who spent weeks making Journey mix tapes for Kai road trips, then bitched and moaned when the guys wouldn't let him play "Lights" on a loop. Wins points for the whole "HE'S HAD ENOUGH!" outburst during the Halloween beatdown, yes, but let's not forget that he's ALSO the one who puts Daniel-San OUT OF COMMISSION. Suffered a very public nervous breakdown at the Arcade later that year after a stranger used his chapstick without permission during a heated game of Q-Bert.
  9. 9.
    Edward Scissorhands
    Eager to please and energetic but ultimately too empathetic and forgiving for the group, Edward's brief tenure with the Kai came to an abrupt halt after the now infamous "Malibu multiple beheading incident" of '86.
  10. 10.
    Pictured: NO THANKS
  11. 11.
    Jerry/Lamar
    Sometimes I wonder: what Latin phrase or obscure, hauntingly beautiful Yeats quote did my brain barf out in order to make room for the fact that JERRY - Cobra Kai Jerry - is also LAMAR from Revenge of the Nerds? I have never felt so alone in my entire life, exposing the existence of my knowledge of this one fact (you are my only hope, Obi Wan @angusisley. Tell me you knew this)
  12. 12.
    Tommy
    Hey. Can we talk seriously for a minute, please? Tommy was, is, and will always be straight up TERRIFYING. Even Stephen King was, like, NO, GUYS: TOO FAR. Fun fact: sneaking up on someone and playing the sound bite "GET HIM A BODY BAG, YEEEEAAAAAAAH!!!" is the fifth highest cause of death among middle aged American males.
  13. 13.
    Pictured: the face that drove Stephen King to buy a Hello Kitty bedroom nightlight "for research purposes"
  14. 14.
    Jimmy (far left)
    Basically invisible, but a Kai nonetheless (see also: Jerry/Lamar). Sidenote: this actor was also a romantic lead on the 80's show "Head of the Class." And with that I'm just gonna go ahead and pause for a minute, so we can all have a quick moment of silence for the small fortune my parents spent on my education
  15. 15.
    Pictured: percentage of li.st users annoyed by my constant use of the whole "Pictured:" trope
  16. 16.
    The Donald
    After boasting, "I'm gonna win this sooo big", is promptly and permanently banned from competition for his illegal use of "spran", a deadly weapon consisting of hairspray, spray tan, and mace
  17. 17.
    My doorman Marino
    A Jedi master of the passive aggressive, Marino specializes in the decimation of his opponents by focusing on their emotional weaknesses. "BIG PLANS TONIGHT?", he might say to you, on the Valentine's Day after you break up with your boyfriend. Also famous for his signature move "Blocking the door when it's completely obvious you're late"
  18. 18.
    Screech
    Killed immediately upon first entry of dojo.
  19. 19.
    This Fucking Maniac
    Meet Dutch, the Cobra Kai's very own batshit Billy Idol with a penchant for speedballs, Clairol blonde #57, Death Metal, and premeditated murder. Fun fact: this actor is also Steve McQueen's son. Another fun fact: I WAS ATTRACTED TO HIM AND KIND OF STILL AM? OK BYEEEEEE SEE YOU GUYS LATER LOVE YOU LOTS MISS YOU ALREADY BYEEEEEEE XOXOXOXO
  20. 20.
    Pictured: MY BOYFRIEND
  21. 21.
    This clearly photoshopped piece of trash
    You break my heart, Miyagi. YOU BREAK MY HEART.