INTRODUCING: C.I.S.A.M. (THE CAMBRIDGE INTELLIGENTSIA STUFFED ANIMAL MAFIA)
Busy terrorizing the mean streets of Cambridge long before Ben and Casey Affleck. Seriously, your PhD game better be TIGHT, or these glassy-eyed, Sancerre-swilling monsters will leave a (stuffed) horse's head in your unmade bed faster than you can say "Mayflower"
- •Bun-BunThe undisputed leader of the group with six degrees, five published New Yorker pieces, four Presidents (related to), three ex-wives, two shrinks and one hardcore martini addiction (GIN ONLY) under his Brooks Brothers belt. Cemented leader status years ago when, in a hazy, late-night viewing of "Ocean's Twelve", it was accidentally revealed that Bun-Bun is actually part PUPPET. "The unintentional fisting incident of 2009" is now the stuff of Cantabrigian legend, as is Bun-Bun himself.
- •HoratioRaised in Beacon Hill but a Cambridge resident since '85, Horatio's mastery of the Iambic Pentameter and his Shakespearean prose prowess puts Harold Bloom to shame. Mainly feared, however, for his violent temper and horrific, blood-soaked rampages. Once took out an entire Watertown Dunkin Donuts staff for giving him half and half instead of two percent. Sends each victim off to their untimely end with his trademark phrase "May flights of Angels sing thee to thy rest, motherfucker"
- •Pictured: C.I.S.A.M.'s Harvard Square headquarters
- •RiffThe Fredo of the group. Despite being a sixth generation legacy, failed to gain acceptance to Harvard, and was forced to complete his undergraduate studies at - (shudder) - Tufts University. Still maintains a Medford residence, where much of the C.I.S.A. Mafia's illegal embargo is held, and where Riff also holds court over the group's legendary underground gambling tournaments. Will kill anyone donning a clip-on tie (or real fur) without hesitation or regret.
- •Professor PutnamThe only one of the group who can lay claim to both a Brattle Street residence AND early tenure, "Professor Putty" rocks an actual income and a mind-blowing trust fund like a true blue-blooded baller. Hails from Newton and secretly loathes International travel, but still insists on spelling "favourite" and "neighbour" with a "u". Married well over thirty years, but spends a questionable amount of time "volunteer coaching" the Harvard men's JV Crew team. Ass man.
- •MudgieEverybody's favorite, despite an on again/off again cocaine habit and perpetually foul mouth. Collects Gibson guitars and fronts a James Taylor cover band. Permanently scarred a C.I.S.A.M. staff member for interrupting a repeat of NPR's Fresh Air. Breezed past an unsavory little scandal back during the John Kerry Presidential run when, after a campari and soda-fueled Kerry fundraiser post-party, he passed out and was photographed in an array of contraband Agent Provocateur lingerie.
- •Mudgie "after dark"In a dark period he'd like to forget, the racy photos in question were immediately texted to my little brother I MEAN TEXTED TO Mudgie's benefactor, who responded with a fiery "HOW DARE YOU EMASCULATE MUDGIE!" Luckily, the Mudgie scandal died right around the same time as Kerry's Presidential dreams, and was buried along with the many ghosts of those who dare cross C.I.S.A.M.'s perilous path.
- •SophieThe Shirley Maclaine of the C.I.S.A.M. "Rat Pack", Sophie is fluent in eight languages, not one of them Romance. Nonetheless, despite her cold blue blood and deceptively frigid demeanor, Sophie is a sexual dynamo and managed to bed every man (and woman) of the Kennedy clan, including Ethel. Brazenly attended one year of public high school during her short-lived academic rebellious phase. Serves as the group's secret spokesperson, earning herself the nickname Deep Throat long before Watergate.
- •ScruffyThe muscle of the group, Scruffy tools around Cambridge in his vintage Bentley, despite the fact that lavish displays of wealth are universally verboten. Famous for once "convincing" Bruce Springsteen to play his girlfriend's daughter's bat mitzvah party at the Charles Hotel. Pictured in front of a John Singer Sargent portrait of his Great Great Grandfather, Samuel Scruffington.
- •WheezyHeavy with a pour but furious with the fist. Gained infamy after knocking out Professor Putnam's cousin Charles with one punch during a heated debate over the correct pronunciations of Capri and Bath, a dispute that continues to this day. Roomed with George W. at Yale and still maintains right-wing associations, at great risk to his social (and C.I.S.A.M.) standing. Caught watching Fox News during last year's Boxing Day party and, as a consequence, still working on regaining Bun-Bun's respect.
- •Pictured: the infamous C.I.S.A.M. "Porter Square Posse", all decked out for the C.I.S.A.M. annual Halloween costume ball
- •NathanielFamous for selling high on his Nantucket real estate "once the new money took over" and buying in early on some serious South End property, "Nat King Coleridge" is always the life of the (cocktail) party. Manages to keep up C.I.S.A.M. street cred despite his open affection for Jason Statham action movies and post-Beatles solo/Wings-era Paul McCartney singles. News junkie. Had a torrid affair with Riff's second wife, which produced one (unacknowledged) offspring and two oxycontin addictions.
- •William IIIC.I.S.A.M.'s resident Court Jester and Sox expert. Attended Andover, Harvard, Oxford, and every single game of the 2004 ALCS. Brilliant at keeping sports in the group's vernacular, despite the fact that more than half of C.I.S.A.M. feigns interest in anything remotely athletic. Has blocked out both the Buckner years and his mother's maiden name (which - shhhh!!! - ends in a vowel). Calls himself a Luddite, but spends more time at the Chestnut Hill Apple store than he does at his own home.
- •Sweet LouThe most mysterious C.I.S.A.M. member and also the most hated. Was once rumored to have blackballed Hillary Clinton from his Waban-based accountant's book club based purely on her gender, a discrimination punishable by death. Spends much of his time collecting first edition Evelyn Waughs and beating the shit out of any Republicans who dare cross his path.
- •Pictured: a C.I.S.A.M. member enjoying a midday snack at the Belmont branch headquarters
- •PinkieDapper - but deadly. Can hold court on unpublished early Hemingway, Turkish modern cuisine, Yo Yo Ma and Savile Row (where all his suits are bespoke, Huntsman only) with equal aplomb. Has almost as many Kiton ties as he does dark secrets. Desperately in love with Sophie, but still a virgin at 58.
- •TinyWhile Tiny will recklessly splurge on the imported blues at Formaggio Kitchen's top secret custom cheese section, and despite his inherited family fortune estimated at a cool 50 million, like most Cambridge residents Tiny refuses to upgrade from his 1985 Volvo. Rumored to be heavily into the underground Boston S&M scene where he's frequently heard yelling his safe word, "Wahlburger"