MY BLADDER AND I ARE FUCKING DONE PROFESSIONALLY

We might be on a break.
  1. My bladder and I used to be super close. With the rare childhood exception, we almost never had a problem
    It was like we could read each other's minds
  2. But lately he seems....distant
    We used to take long walks on the beach, wild road trips, spend hours just wandering the MET
  3. In college we were always together. Sometimes we'd sleep 10, 12 hours a stretch, all curled up in our favorite positions
    My boy could go all NIGHT
  4. I would drink diet cokes with reckless abandon
    Cans, bottles, fountain - no limits, no judgements
  5. Our pregnant friends would look at us and be all "Oh my God you guys are so perfect together - I'll never have again what you guys have now"
  6. But I can't keep lying to myself - something between us has changed
    Sometimes I'll be doing something and I'll sense he's lost interest - he'll make it perfectly clear we have to leave
  7. If I have company overnight now, it's almost like he wants to embarrass me in front of them
    He didn't used to care if I brought other guys into the relationship. He was into it
  8. I see now that he's gotten more and more passive aggressive
    At night he'll let me think everything's OK, then as soon as I'm about to fall asleep, he starts right back in with me
  9. The breaking point came at a screening of Magic Mike XXL
    He forced us to leave when I didn't want to
  10. I was mortified to be fighting so openly in front of our friend
    She later had to take the time to explain to me how Joe Mangianello's enormous penis had found its "glass slipper" in Andie McDowell's vagina, a plot point that had proved critical to the overarching meaning of the film
  11. Now he's lashing out - I only meant to flatter him when I told him how amazed I was after our seamless train ride from NYC to Boston
    "Oh GOOOOOOOOOOD for you"
  12. It's not like I don't dress pretty for him
    Agent Provocateur does not come cheap
  13. I know I drink more water than I used to, but if I want a Poland Spring - or even a martini - well fuck it, I deserve it
    He used to love the way "straight up with a twist" rolled right off my tongue
  14. But I know relationships take work, so I'm not giving up on him. EVER
    Like I did with my colon