WHO PAID FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS TO SPEND NEW YEAR'S EVE AT THE OLIVE GARDEN IN TIMES SQUARE?
I will not rest until I know everything about you. SHOW YOURSELF TO ME RIGHT NOW
- •According to the New York Post, you exist, so STOP HIDING FROM ME. I have it on good authority - or just a shitty newspaper funded by a right wing leaning maniac - that you have spent $400 bucks to ring in 2016 at the Olive Garden. In Times Square. At the Olive Garden in Times Square. Who? You! You did!Who are you? Where do you live? Are you human? Alien? Kardashian? Where do you stand on the ongoing List App One Direction debates? What are you going to wear to the Olive Garden on New Year's Eve? WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?
- •Look, I know the Post isn't lying, because they even have one of their trademark, Dorothy Parker-level witty one liners in the first paragraph."That's a lot of bread for no breadsticks"
- •Quick question: have you ever been to Times Square before? Like, just on a normal day?There's a Guy Fieri restaurant, Muppets groping tourists, AND people throwing up in the streets at all times of day and night. I'm not saying there's a connection, I'M JUST POINTING OUT THAT THESE KINDS OF THINGS HAPPEN IN TIMES SQUARE. Let your guard down for one second and you WILL get molested by a grown man in an Elmo costume. Is that man Guy Fieri? YOU MAY NEVER KNOW
- •How are you getting here? Are you from out of town? You're from out of town, right?Wait - was that you who almost knocked me into oncoming traffic last week in front of Lord & Taylor because you wanted to see their Christmas window displays? I know: LIGHTS! Lots of them! In a window!! "Dear Diary, I almost killed a girl today so I could see a robotic elf wink at a plastic Santa next to a Michael Kors bag display! It was great! - xoxo, love, the guy spending four hundred dollars to spend New Year's Eve at the Olive Garden in Times Square"
- •Is it too late for me to get in on this?It's probably already all sold out. What am I supposed to do now, SEE WHAT RED LOBSTER HAS TO OFFER? My life is meaningless. Is 2015 over yet? Is 2016 over yet? Is this list over yet?
- •At least you'll get to see the ball drop, like, RIGHT THEREOops! No? Lemme check with the Post: "It's a limited view," said Michael Garver, a manager of the eatery at 47th Street and Broadway." Oh, dear.
- •But you don't even care, do you? Wow. Look at you, Christian Grey, high roller, big spender, cold as ICE. You don't need a view. You're just gonna make it rain all up and DOWN that Olive Garden. "I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!!", you will say, as you ask for more marinara sauce to dip your cheese stick into (not a euphemism)I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I just want to GO WITH. I heard from Michael Garver - THE Michael Garver?, from the Times Square Olive Garden? - that your current date gets around. Like, she's no stranger to the OLD Times Square, know what I mean? Hey, that's cool. Me, though - I'm your girl. I would look hot as fuck in a sequined Olive Garden uniform. "Welcome to Olive Garden", I would purr, as if I worked there, when REALLY I would be your DATE FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE. "How can I SERVE you in 2016?"
- •Actually, scratch that, sweetie. Turns out, I think I have other plans:"The vantage point is better at Bubba Gump Shrimp on Broadway, which charges among the highest fees on New Year's Eve - $799 a person." (I'm sorry!! Something suddenly came up)
- •But have fun! Be safe! Don't read the Post article, please!"Only "if guests are fortunate enough to make it outside" can they watch the world-famous countdown to midnight, said Paul Warshaw", the C.O.O. of Balldrop.com."
- •That sounds...ominous? Now I'm worried for you. What if you DON'T MAKE IT OUTSIDE? Then what? Eat breadsticks all night? Use all of those breadsticks to dry your tears?"The Olive Garden deal includes a D.J., open bar and buffet meal - but no breadsticks, a staple of the "You're Family" eatery." Oh, noooooooo. HOLY. SHIT. DUDE. No breadsticks? Even the Lord & Taylor elf is worried about you right now. This just in from The New York Post: the Lord & Taylor elf has turned OFF the window display lights in a show of sympathy just for you, the guy who spent $400 dollars to spend New Year's Eve at the Olive Garden in Times Square
- •But back to the Post: "Revelers at Ruby Tuesday - where tickets range from $349 a head to $1,699 for the "Couple's VIP Table" - won't see the ball at all from inside the restaurant"Time out: I think we all need to just take a minute and spend a little alone time with that sentence
- •OK. All good. So, look: whatever you do, STAY SAFE! HAVE FUN! CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF!! Don't end up like this drunk and irresponsible Christmas tree.Happy New Year, everybody!!! ✨🍸🎉