NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS I ALWAYS PROPOSE AND HOW LONG IT TAKES FOR ME TO BREAK THEM

  1. Eat healthier shit like fruit
    First off fuck fruit. I can do this for about a week until I remember how good nachos are
  2. Be nicer
    I can usually do this for a day and then some fuckin asshole will say some dumb shit about reverse racism and I lose my shit and give up
  3. Be more organized
    I will buy a planner that is used for a month tops and some desk organizers that will inevitably be filled with trash
  4. Exercise more
    This is something I will attempt for maybe two months and then abandon because it's not possible for me to run and watch my favorite tv shows at the same time without paying $47298 a year to belong to a gym where I will hate myself and my body even more
  5. Lose some weight
    This is tied to eating better and exercising. I usually end up losing some weight and celebrating so hard that I gain more weight than I lost. This usually goes down 3 months into the year and then I'm sad for the remaining 9
  6. Stop judging people
    I can do this for maybe an hour and then I'll see a twelve year old white girl wearing a Beatles tshirt and plot elaborate ways to hurt her
  7. Have better comebacks
    This is something I actually try to do every year so I can stop being a real life George Costanza except I never know what to say after the fifth time my dad's called me fat so this resolution is broken in five days
  8. Try new things
    2015 was a bad year to try things. I tried kombucha, kale, and listening to rap music. All of them sucked and I will probably give up trying new things halfway into the year.
  9. Have a more positive attitude!
    Just typing that exclamation point made me upset so this resolution I am giving up on before the new year even starts
  10. If I can't be more positive, at least stop being so sad
    Who am I kidding I will be sad about nothing and everything FOREVER