Inspired by @ListPrompts
  1. September 15, 2009
  2. Trigger warning!
  3. TW!
  4. TW!
  5. I arrived at Laureate Eating Disorder Program very, very ill and weighing approximately what I did in 4th grade (I was 20).
  6. I don't remember all of the details - your mind doesn't work too well when it's starving - but I remember feeling so weak physically and mentally. I felt like I just couldn't do it anymore and whatever would happen to me would happen to me.
  7. That was before I met with the doctors and learned that I was to be tubed and travel around in a wheelchair. This was humiliating to me. To depend on others for my every need. Even moving from one place to the next - I couldn't look at anyone when they wheeled me over to the unit.
  8. They served me lunch. I still remember what it was: half a turkey sandwich with mayo on white bread, an apple and something called a fruitful which is like the best Popsicle you will ever taste (I decided that quite a few weeks later).
  9. I remember asking the mental health tech if I had to eat it and her reply was "that's kinda what we do here". I think that's when reality began to sink in. I was here to do a lot of scary shit. I ate everything but the apple.
  10. My parents said goodbye. I don't remember what I told them or if I pleaded to go home. I think I was in shock.
  11. After lunch they told me I would have an NG tube inserted which goes through your nose all the way to your intestines. I am terrified of choking or gagging so this threw me into hysterics.
  12. They took me out in the wheelchair to the courtyard for a walk trying to get me to calm down. It didn't work. When the nurse arrived with the tube they had to physically restrain me.
  13. It took a few tries to get it in and it was very uncomfortable but the shame was worse. I didn't want anyone to see me and I had yet to meet the girls who I would be living and receiving treatment with.
  14. I don't remember the actual meeting of them. Just a prevailing sense of shame and anxiety. And later a clear memory of passing out next to my roommate as I brushed my teeth.
  15. I went to bed that night hooked up to a machine that was slowly feeding me, in a strange place and confined to my bed and a wheelchair. They moved me to a mattress under the nurses station to monitor my heart so even what little bit of privacy I had was stripped away. I sobbed uncontrollably.
  16. That day was my darkest moment.