MY GREATEST REGRET 😕

Inspired by @ListPrompts
  1. My greatest regret is the amount of time I've wasted/lost being sick.
  2. I'm not talking about physical illnesses but mental health.
  3. It began when I was really young. Probably around 6. I began to show signs of generalized anxiety disorder.
  4. My anxiety would rule my life for years to come but in those days no one really knew about anxiety disorders so I was left without help.
  5. I experienced my first traumatic experiences at age 10. And it changed me.
  6. This is when I would say that mental illness did not just become something to work around in my life but something that consumed it.
  7. I was filled with fear. I lost trust in teachers, peers and my parents. I questioned why I was alive. I was terrified to go to school. I was terrified to go most anywhere. I was difficult to live with as I did not know how to express my emotions except by lashing out at others.
  8. I continued to experience traumatic events throughout the rest of my time in school eventually developing PTSD.
  9. At age 12 I became obsessed with staying thin. I began to monitor my weight and watched what I ate.
  10. It got worse in high school and followed me into college where I met the criteria for anorexia for the first time.
  11. Anorexia takes a lot of time. Calculating calories, exercising for hours on end, playing with food at the table, finding excuses not to eat. I don't know how much time I spent on my illness over the years.
  12. In 2009 I entered inpatient treatment. I wouldn't emerge fully until 2011.
  13. So much passed me by while I was inside. Holidays, 2 birthdays (including my 21st), my cousins had babies, my brother left for college, my friends prepared for graduation.
  14. I came out better but not cured.
  15. I still struggle immensely with PTSD, anxiety and at times depression. I can't hold a job or go to school because of this. My life is limited to therapy, dog training, family and a few friends.
  16. And this is what I regret the most and what I continue to regret. All of the time I spent sick of dealing with my illnesses. Not just the time in treatment but in school, college and now.
  17. I have missed out on so much and continue to do so. And this is what I regret most.