Inspired by @ListPrompts
  1. Trigger warning!
  2. TW!
  3. TW!
  4. I was out of my first stay of inpatient and residential eating disorder treatment.
  5. I thought since I was restored to a higher weight than I'd ever been in my life it wouldn't matter if I used eating disorder behaviors such as restriction (both food and water).
    Yes. Looking back I see how idiotic this was but when you are consumed by an eating disorder you don't see reason.
  6. So I restricted. A lot. And lost a fair amount of weight quickly. But I wasn't concerned because it didn't put me back in the "anorexic" weight range.
    FYI: how sick you are with an eating disorder actually has very little to do with weight. People die at normal weights quite frequently.
  7. My parents and therapist were though. And they prepared to send me back to treatment.
  8. This time to a new place. The Center for Change in Utah. It was a different type of program. Non hospital based and had things like music and art therapy.
    Someday I'll write a list about The Center. What happened to me there was a total transformation. That place is truly a place of healing.
  9. I got there almost a year to the day I had admitted to my first IP stay.
  10. I thought I was fine.
  11. My first night there I passed out. And I had extremely irregular rhythms on the EKG.
  12. This had had happened at my first stay but this time it sunk in.
  13. I was dying. In fact if I had waited just days or a week longer I would be dead.
  14. My body was giving up on me because I couldn't nourish it.
  15. I wish I could say I gave into the program with that realization but it made me fight it even more strongly.
  16. I wanted to die and to know I was that close to death and the fact that they saved me enraged me.
  17. But that's another list for another time.
  18. Eating disorders kill. They are silent killers who could take a life at any moment with no notice. Reach out for help if you are suffering. I'd love to talk to you if you need to confide in someone. Send me a list request saying that and I'll send one back with contact info.