Reasons why I CAN QUIT DRINKING ANYTIME I WANT, MOM.

Do you see any of your beeswax over here?
  1. 1.
    If you can't handle me at my "screaming at bouncers that I'm totally not drunk" you don't deserve me at my best.
    That guy was an asshole anyway
  2. 2.
    I don't have a drinking problem. That bottle of bourbon has a me problem.
    Bulleit Rye 💯
  3. 3.
    Dry-heaving at 7am is a totally viable abdominal workout.
    Helps me keep my figure
  4. 4.
    If I quit drinking I'll have to start doing something else and neither of us wants me to develop a mdma habit.
    I'll hang the fucking Christmas lights year 'round and I swear to god
  5. 5.
    All my friends do it.
    At least the ones I haven't alienated
  6. 6.
    That fake Santa had it coming.
    Doesn't drinking just remind you of the holidays? 😍🎅🏻
  7. 7.
    I'll "shut the fuck up" at grandma's birthday when I damn well please.
    As you so eloquently put it
  8. 8.
    Something about a glass of wine everyday and cancer.
    Pretty sure there were studies
  9. 9.
    Reeking of gin is a compliment. I smell like pine tree.
    While you're covered in the stink of your imminent divorce
  10. 10.
    And I didn't call you a bitch. I said you were acting "bitchy."
    And that's really neither here nor there