Disney Princes Ranked By How Useful (& Bearable) They'd Be During A Zombie Apocalypse
If he doesn't really have a name, he's a Charming. It's like the retro John Doe for royal romantic purposes.
- •Charming, Snow White'sWhat positive attributes does this guy have? Maybe if your lipstick stash runs out he can share? The guy is rockin the cherry pout, which actually might be the coolest thing about him. Overall this dude would be a GIANT liability. He goes around KISSING DEAD PEOPLE. He's contracted the virus before you've even seen the alert on Facebook warning you to take cover and look out for signs of decomposition!
- •Charming, Cinderella'sNaive is an understatement and the brains on this guy are nonexistent! He can't remember the face of the woman he "loves" so how is he going to fare once his title means nothing? No combat chops to speak of, and he seems to solve his problems by throwing parties. That's just a mini-outbreak waiting to happen. Also, WAY to boring to spend your final days with.
- •Prince EricHe's got a good look and all, but MAN this guy would be useless. He's like the king of rash decisions (hello marrying a sea witch the first time he meets her), and has no powers of deduction or problem solving skills. I doubt he's even good in a scuffle! Basically Eric is only the right choice if you plan to forgo the fighting and survival and instead want to go out in a blaze of romantic/sexual glory.
- •Prince PhillipOk, finally some potential. This dude faced off with a dragon! He wields a sword and rides a horse and stuff like that! He can accomplish goals and he listens to women when they talk, fairies or not! Yeah, Phillip's vanilla and I can make no claims for his brains, but he's got a solid shot at survival and so do you if you stick with him. AND he can dance!!!
- •Li ShangMaybe not a prince, but so dreamy, right? And he's a military man! He's an expert of strategy, weaponry, problem-solving, and survival under the direst of conditions. He seems to be managing his sexism by the end of Mulan, but if he hasn't totally come to believe in all things equality, we could have a problem. Still though, more pros than cons with him. The dancing almost placed Phillip above Li Shang, but hey, smarts before waltz(ing).
- •Flynn RiderWho doesn't love the smolder? Another man who knows how to work the system, survive, throw some punches, ride a horse, AND hang with a very assured lady. All of these are handy traits for when disaster strikes. The only reason I place him above Li Shang is the emotional depths that he is willing to go to (from what we've seen). He cares so much about the happiness of his companion, yet he's still sassy. Clearly one of if not the strongest feminist on this list, which matters greatly to me.
- •BeastBeast's WHOLE LIFE was spent preparing for this bleak turn of events. His castle is pretty darn bunker-like, somehow filled with enough food that you'll never starve or have to leave for any reason. Books for days! And basically an army of servants on-hand! Fierce, protective, and a nothing-to-lose mentality mean that he will kick ass and take names for you, and hopefully not sustain a bite during the altercation. Hey, the fur would probably be like a coat of armor in that respect, right?
- •AladdinI'm biased here, but come on! Scrappy, cunning, creative, great at avoiding tight spots and scary altercations. A gymnast, able to break in just about anywhere for supplies. No stranger to combat. And most importantly, you know Genie is gonna come find Al if the apocalypse sets in! He needed some space, but he loves the little guy! So you'll be protected by a magical free agent and basically invincible by default. Winner winner chicken dinner!