Things I Think Will Happen When I Try Standup

It terrifies me, but I know I should bite that horrifying bullet.
  1. I will stand onstage and be surrounded by a sea of silence, not a laugh to be found.
  2. I will get only a few pity-laughs. Obvious in their meaning and far worse than no laughs at all.
  3. I will forget the English language.
  4. I will mix up the orders of jokes like some bad movie and/or mom moment.
  5. I will be sandwiched between two extraordinarily funny people, emphasizing my unfunniness.
  6. I will have a wardrobe malfunction. Not something I'd really care about in life, but here an insult-to-injury kind of thing.
  7. Actually funny people will make fun of me behind my back.
  8. I will be so mortified that I actually faint, upping my mortification levels significantly.
  9. I will have a panic attack onstage and be stuck up there, in that shitty bar, having a panic attack, surrounded by strangers.
  10. Someone important in the TV/film industry will see me bomb, then blacklist me from ever working for the rest of my life.
  11. One of my idols will see me bomb, then never respect me.
  12. I will be possessed by a demon, just once, who is really funny. I will develop a taste for the laughs that the demon gets, but once he leaves my system I will be unable to reap them for myself.
  13. The Flop Sweats.
  14. I will literally die.
  15. I will hurt bad enough from bombing and all the anxieties already primed in my system that I will give up and never do standup again.