Things I Think Will Happen When I Try Standup
It terrifies me, but I know I should bite that horrifying bullet.
- •I will stand onstage and be surrounded by a sea of silence, not a laugh to be found.
- •I will get only a few pity-laughs. Obvious in their meaning and far worse than no laughs at all.
- •I will forget the English language.
- •I will mix up the orders of jokes like some bad movie and/or mom moment.
- •I will be sandwiched between two extraordinarily funny people, emphasizing my unfunniness.
- •I will have a wardrobe malfunction. Not something I'd really care about in life, but here an insult-to-injury kind of thing.
- •Actually funny people will make fun of me behind my back.
- •I will be so mortified that I actually faint, upping my mortification levels significantly.
- •I will have a panic attack onstage and be stuck up there, in that shitty bar, having a panic attack, surrounded by strangers.
- •Someone important in the TV/film industry will see me bomb, then blacklist me from ever working for the rest of my life.
- •One of my idols will see me bomb, then never respect me.
- •I will be possessed by a demon, just once, who is really funny. I will develop a taste for the laughs that the demon gets, but once he leaves my system I will be unable to reap them for myself.
- •The Flop Sweats.
- •I will literally die.
- •I will hurt bad enough from bombing and all the anxieties already primed in my system that I will give up and never do standup again.