These hands are made for holding.
  1. My pepper spray
    If I'm holding it, I'm probably feeling REALLY skeeved out while I walk home alone, at night, through the city. Not fun.
  2. Anything over 25 pounds
    Please no. My toothpick arms aren't suited for hard labor.
  3. A calculator
    Since it means I've somehow been roped into doing math
  4. Someone else's drink
    Fine if they're doing something important that really requires my service, but annoying if they're just fucking around and I'm left holding a drink that I can't drink but may drink subconsciously because I'm already holding it! That's the natural response!
  5. My laptop
    I love it, but I'm trying to be off screens more often. This leads to a lot of inner conflict about my laptop and its applications.
  6. A beverage in a martini glass
    Instantly makes you feel classier.
  7. A beverage in a rocks glass
    Instantly makes you feel more badass.
  8. A burrito
    A+ for taste and comfort. Also when you hold it with two hands, sometimes you feel like a little hamster!
  9. A good book
    I wish I did this more often. I'm trying!
  10. A tree
    Hugging trees feels WAY better than you'd expect. It's so nice.
  11. Quality, interestingly-pigmented lipsticks
    They never cease to excite me.
  12. A human being
    I am very pro-hug. Always have been.
  13. A puppy
    No matter their age. They out-cuddle mere men every single time.