Hey, God Told Me to Tell You:

  1. Your hair looked cuter the other way.
    No, not that way. The OTHER other way.
  2. To stop calling her "HE." Duh.
  3. Don't be a dick.
  4. Every time you shit-talk Taylor Swift, an angel loses its wings.
  5. I know what you did last summer.
  6. No, angels are not a thing.
  7. VCRs are DEFINITELY gonna make a comeback.
    And sorry about the Beanie Babies thing. My bad.
  8. Zip ties are actually a punishment from the devil.
    Sorry, there's nothing I can do.
  9. To start watching Vanderpump Rules.
    "Stassi IS the devil, and don't you forget it!"
  10. Snitches get stitches.
  11. Beyoncé had one of the greatest videos OF ALL TIME.
  12. Save those tater tots for later.
    That was the divine message of Napoleon Dynamite.