How to Be an LA Transplant
Otherwise known as a transpLAnt. (Based on a true story...of my own idiocy)
- •Tell everyone you moved here because you're "following your dreams."The more ridiculous said dreams are, the better. After all, you're not going to be out bright-eyed and bushy-tailed by the thousands of other aspiring actors/directors/writers/musicians/reality stars! Really commit to the implausibility of your goals, the lunacy of your life decisions.
- •Work on your screenplay in a coffee shop. Talk loudly and with much gravitas about your "project."As if you're the first person to be doing such a thing. Excitement, excitement!
- •Call your mom, cry, and immediately consider returning to the Midwest.WHAT AM I EVEN DOING WITH MY LIFE.
- •Get confused on the freeway, do something vehicularly awkward, and piss off all of the other drivers.Do they feel more or less compassion because of my out-of-state license plate? Sorrrrry 😬
- •Be the only person driving the speed limit.Apparently prolonged smog exposure extinguishes any fear of death.
- •Go to the observatory and take pictures of the Hollywood sign.'Gram that picture. Go Valencia on it.
- •Plan your meals according to "celebrity hotspots."I mean, gotta catch em all.
- •Visit Beverly Hills. Laugh at their tiny, multimillion dollar houses while secretly feeling shitty about yourself.BHillz has a way of doing that. It's all agents in power suits, skinny blonde women exercising, and very, very rich teenagers.
- •Use the term "BHillz."Gotta be up on the lingo. WeHo, amiright fellow Los Angelenos?? Ha. Ha.