How to Be an LA Transplant

Otherwise known as a transpLAnt. (Based on a true story...of my own idiocy)
  1. Tell everyone you moved here because you're "following your dreams."
    The more ridiculous said dreams are, the better. After all, you're not going to be out bright-eyed and bushy-tailed by the thousands of other aspiring actors/directors/writers/musicians/reality stars! Really commit to the implausibility of your goals, the lunacy of your life decisions.
  2. Work on your screenplay in a coffee shop. Talk loudly and with much gravitas about your "project."
    As if you're the first person to be doing such a thing. Excitement, excitement!
  3. Call your mom, cry, and immediately consider returning to the Midwest.
    WHAT AM I EVEN DOING WITH MY LIFE.
  4. Get confused on the freeway, do something vehicularly awkward, and piss off all of the other drivers.
    Do they feel more or less compassion because of my out-of-state license plate? Sorrrrry 😬
  5. Be the only person driving the speed limit.
    Apparently prolonged smog exposure extinguishes any fear of death.
  6. Go to the observatory and take pictures of the Hollywood sign.
    'Gram that picture. Go Valencia on it.
  7. Plan your meals according to "celebrity hotspots."
    I mean, gotta catch em all.
  8. Visit Beverly Hills. Laugh at their tiny, multimillion dollar houses while secretly feeling shitty about yourself.
    BHillz has a way of doing that. It's all agents in power suits, skinny blonde women exercising, and very, very rich teenagers.
  9. Use the term "BHillz."
    Gotta be up on the lingo. WeHo, amiright fellow Los Angelenos?? Ha. Ha.