Situations in Which I'd Like to Have a Folded Up Piece of Paper With My Ideal Salary Written on It
This one's for you, @sally!
- 1.I'm in a competitive, non-verbal salary negotiation situation. Flair matters.
- 2.I have to show someone from Spain how commas and decimals points work in the US.
- 3.I'm walking down a street of errant game show hosts. The guy from "Reverse Mugged!!" approaches.
- 4.I'm standing at the ocean's edge, having just given up on all my dreams. In a symbolic gesture, I throw my ideal salary to the wind, letting the earth take it.
- 5.I'm standing at the ocean's edge, having just realized the meaningless that is materialsm. In a symbolic gesture, I throw my ideal salary to the wind, letting the earth take it.Then I go home and get a job anyway, because, you know, 💵.
- 6.I'm living in peak Oprah era, attending a taping of her show. She sticks a mic in my face, and I confess my economic-related turmoil. With trembling hands, I reach into my jewel-toned blazer and reveal my ideal salary. Oprah, being fucking Oprah, grants me my ideal salary. Balloons pour from the ceiling. They're just always there in case."Balloons?" "At the ready!"
- 7.I'm at da club, & I see a super cute guy with glasses and some kick-ass dance moves. He's showing me pictures of his cat, but I'm still not totally sure about him, so I ask, "Chauncey, what's your ideal salary?" He whips out a folded piece of paper and hands it to me. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." That's how I know we're soul mates.His ideal salary is $4, but that's not the point. What's a salary again?
- 8.I'm trying to explain to my grandchildren what paper is.
- 9.An investment banker tells me what s/he makes, and I use my ideal salary to shame her/him."You make that much money?? This is how much I DREAM of making, you patrician bandit!"
- 10.I'm Eliza Coupe, playing Jane Kerkovich-Williams negotiating my salary with the Car Czar."No one should ever leave the house without their ideal salary written on a folded up piece of paper." RIP Happy Endings