Requested by Sally

Situations in Which I'd Like to Have a Folded Up Piece of Paper With My Ideal Salary Written on It

This one's for you, @sally!
  1. 1.
    I'm in a competitive, non-verbal salary negotiation situation. Flair matters.
  2. 2.
    I have to show someone from Spain how commas and decimals points work in the US.
  3. 3.
    I'm walking down a street of errant game show hosts. The guy from "Reverse Mugged!!" approaches.
  4. 4.
    I'm standing at the ocean's edge, having just given up on all my dreams. In a symbolic gesture, I throw my ideal salary to the wind, letting the earth take it.
  5. 5.
    I'm standing at the ocean's edge, having just realized the meaningless that is materialsm. In a symbolic gesture, I throw my ideal salary to the wind, letting the earth take it.
    Then I go home and get a job anyway, because, you know, 💵.
  6. 6.
    I'm living in peak Oprah era, attending a taping of her show. She sticks a mic in my face, and I confess my economic-related turmoil. With trembling hands, I reach into my jewel-toned blazer and reveal my ideal salary. Oprah, being fucking Oprah, grants me my ideal salary. Balloons pour from the ceiling. They're just always there in case.
    "Balloons?" "At the ready!"
  7. 7.
    I'm at da club, & I see a super cute guy with glasses and some kick-ass dance moves. He's showing me pictures of his cat, but I'm still not totally sure about him, so I ask, "Chauncey, what's your ideal salary?" He whips out a folded piece of paper and hands it to me. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." That's how I know we're soul mates.
    His ideal salary is $4, but that's not the point. What's a salary again?
  8. 8.
    I'm trying to explain to my grandchildren what paper is.
  9. 9.
    An investment banker tells me what s/he makes, and I use my ideal salary to shame her/him.
    "You make that much money?? This is how much I DREAM of making, you patrician bandit!"
  10. 10.
    I'm Eliza Coupe, playing Jane Kerkovich-Williams negotiating my salary with the Car Czar.
    "No one should ever leave the house without their ideal salary written on a folded up piece of paper." RIP Happy Endings