Planets, Ranked

  1. 1.
    Earth
    I mean, c'mon.
  2. 2.
    Mars
    Sure a distant 2nd, but a clear distant 2nd.
  3. 3.
    Saturn
    Rings.
  4. 4.
    Jupiter
    Tried to become 2nd sun, but lacked the mass. Still, biggest planet. Protects us from asteroids & such & therefore probably helped life evolve on Earth.
  5. 5.
    Uranus
    Name alone puts it in running for #2. Happy coincidence. Tragically, while Jupiter & Saturn are "gas giants," Uranus is not. F*** you universe.
  6. 6.
    Neptune
    With Pluto's demotion to dwarf planet, Neptune now farthest from the sun. So there's that.
  7. 7.
    Venus
    Atmosphere 96% carbon dioxide, sulfuric acid clouds, & avg surface temp 863 degrees. F*** you, Venus.
  8. 8.
    Mercury
    Smallest and closest to the sun, so way too hot. Who needs it?