Things I'm Doing to Prepare for "the Big One"

In light of that terrifying new New Yorker article.
  1. Bolting bookshelf to wall. Bolting books to shelves. Gluing pages shut.
  2. Establishing who on my block would be easiest to subdue and devour.
  3. Stocking up on bottled water for my family. Stocking up on coconut water for my worst enemies.
  4. Purchasing hand crank radio, hand crank Nespresso coffee maker, hand crank Sonicare toothbrush.
  5. Trying to befriend stoic guy down the street with camouflage pickup. Seems like he'll know what to do.
  6. Teaching cat to swim in the event of a tsunami. Bolting cat to the wall.
  7. Emptying out all Drafts folders.
  8. Preparing last second "I'll always remember you..." email to the cooks at Father's Office.