5 REASONS WHY MY LIFE IS GOOD

And I bet it's gooder than yours
  1. 1.
    I'm not dead
    This is big. Being dead is a major drag, perhaps the majorist of drags.
  2. 2.
    I have a job and an apartment
    Having a job is good because you make money and having an apartment is good because you can shit with the door open.
  3. 3.
    A bird's feather falls by my feet every time I leave the house
    At first I thought this was an omen, but after securing the items in #2 and still not being #1, I realized that these birds' feathers are a sign of good luck. I awake each morning with a positive demeanor and the knowledge that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to, all thanks to the feathers. As you can probably suspect, my feet were a little light on the feathers in the sunshine state.
  4. 4.
    My alarm clock is an old Asian woman gasps and says, "It's You! The one who will vanquish the evil King and save our kingdom!"
    Talk about a good way to start your day! In Florida I was waking up with a stupid iPhone ringtone, but this is empowering!
  5. 5.
    Pizza