Ways I'd Have Spent My 525th Birthday Yesterday In The American Colonies

With an early start:
  1. Krispy Kreme
  2. Selfie with a random Kardashian
  3. Golden Corral
  4. Hooters
  5. Compare New York to York
  6. Schedule full body liposuction
  7. Commission new svelte bespoke wardrobe
  8. Tattoo of Jane on upper biceps
  9. Hire Ubers to joust
  10. Fly to Las Vegas, pee on fake Eiffel Tower, then enjoy cake, women and wine
  11. More cake, women and wine
  12. Fly to Paris, pee on real Eiffel Tower
  13. Bed