A TYPICAL POST-BREAKUP NIGHT

Alcohol/drug binge is not mentioned at each step, but integral to the progression from phase to phase.
  1. Phase 1: Think deeply about your relationship. Make sure to SMH/giggle/sigh heavily every 2 minutes.
  2. Phase 2: Think "Fuck that bitch."
  3. Phase 3: Distract yourself with something for a while, perchance an episode of a situational comedy, or some music, but definitely no Drake.
  4. Phase 4: Drake.
  5. Phase 5: Write and re-write a subliminal Facebook post, and then once you make it perfect, decide to delete the whole thing and not post it.
  6. Phase 6: Stalk your ex on social media one last time before you unfollow them.
  7. Phase 7: Immediately regret phase 6.
  8. Repeat Phases 4 and 5 until you fall asleep.