I am a maître d at some place or something.
  1. Making confirmation calls with the cadence of an airplane pilot.
    I know this does not translate into text, but it's a treat.
  2. Mentally catalogue engagement ring size to age difference of partner.
    Diamond the size of a small lost planet + baseball cap to conceal receding hairline = big age difference. There's usually an ill fitting Ralph Lauren polo involved.
  3. Flirt with babies.
    I got some smooth moves. Puffin my cheeks out, crossin my eyes so hard it feels like they'll be stuck that way. Really reels em in.
  4. Sit bad guests with my least favorite server.
    I also slowly and systematically move her tables closer together. This is the cruelest way I entertain myself at work. Nothing gold can stay pony boy.
  5. Google guests
    For instance we had a gentleman regularly visit who referred to himself as honorable. Not as in a quality or personality trait but as a title. Like The honorable John Smith. His google results were treasures.
  6. Play with the doorstop.
    I spend a lot of my time standing. Doorstop breaks up the monotony of it all. Doorstop is love. Doorstop is life.