Being up against the great minds of @Lisa_Fav @stevecady and @chriscady I had to employ the help of others in curating this list. These are all things people have said that I wrote down in my phone for some reason or another. Some I remember the back story, some I don't. All are better without context, I think.
  1. So I'm watching an anime movie about raccoons
  2. I also have a funny crisco story
  3. I haven't been to Division since a midget poured a shot into my mouth at Mothers
  4. I always thought a loofa was a dirty thing so I never asked, turns out it's not
  5. Do you ever just look at a group of people and just think "omg they are so basic"
  6. You are my ally in this journey we call life-I've never said that to anyone but you
  7. Everyone there got food poisoning except for her, she missed that meal because she was holding a manatee
  8. I don't sleep I wait
  9. This coffee has a slight seafood flavor
  10. When it comes to toilet water you get no second chances
  11. "So you're a shots guy do you just wake up wanting to kill yourself?" "No your body adjusts"
  12. It's better to have 8 people with 1 beer each, than to have one dude with 8 beers
  13. The other day I thought my finger was bruised but it was just a vein
  14. You've been deprived as a child if you didn't play Clue enough to know it's Professor Plum
  15. Cats are allowed in apartments right? So I've been emailing this lady that wants to sell me her leopard...
  16. I have fake parking tickets in my car, I would have given them one
  17. Don't worry I'm playing Santa
    Note dated October 25, 2013
  18. You get bored of them as an adult though like fuck goddamnit
  19. I just leaked so much water from my eyes
  20. It's more like he hugs them and then let's then go-Steve Irwin the crocodile hugger
  21. You're not passive aggressive you're just passive
  22. Yeah no shit he's a goddamn sequoia tree
  23. I think this is the best idea we've ever had