THINGS I YELLED AS THE ONLY DIEHARD FAN AT THE SUPERBOWL PARTY

  1. "No! Kill him! Kill him!"
    Often, unprompted, during undramatic plays
  2. "Fuck those coffee-fuckers!"
    I was too mad to make sense after a Seatle touchdown
  3. "This is not the time for nachos!"
    This may be the only time I say this ever, but the last six minutes of the Super Bowl isn't the time to tinker with the oven