Inspired by @ListPrompts and mostly by all of those who shared their story today.
  1. I can't talk about everything. For example, it really was very hard for me to write my vulnerability list from yesterday. Even if I realize, it still pretty vague it was already a lot for me
  2. Because of my darkest moment I constructed a shell to protect myself mostly from getting hurt I guess. But also to always be/look brave and strong. Don't get me wrong I still have important friendships and emotions but i know I've got issues in letting go, letting someone in and others things
  3. I can tell you my darkest night, my darkest moment has been the 9 years following.
  4. On October 15th 2006 I lost my father. I was 18. The night it happened is still haunting me. I had to deal with things that still feel surreal.
  5. It was 3am and I was the one answering the phone. And, when the cop called and heard me say "I'm his daughter" he HUNG UP on me. That's real. I woke my brother up and called my best friend in panic. My mother was spending the week end out of the city and wasn't answering.
  6. Another cop called back. Very matter of factly said that she was "captain somethings and she was sorry to inform me that my father was dead". Just like that. I guess the first one was a younger cop that panicked hearing it was a young daughter on the phone so wanted someone else to do it. Someone else did. Just like that.
  7. My best friend arrived as well as my uncle and aunt to drive us at my father's. I remember taking a lexomil and staying my head on my best friend lap in the car.
  8. I could see the ambulances from across the streets, and police cars. My brother and uncle and aunt went upstairs first and came back some moment later when everything was "clear" for me to see.
  9. The rest of the night and morning after is as tragic as you might think. The calls. The people. Knowing he was in the other room.
  10. For a long time it was not just the loss that was hard but really the way I learn it. Don't get me wrong I don't think there's a good way to learn that news. But matter of facty, through the phone, at 18 isn't the best.
  11. As I said at the beginning this is my darkest night. The darkest moment more or less every day ever since. Sometimes I look and feel ok. But I know that some issues I have, my always changing weight, my insomnias and my dark thoughts are all linked to that night.
  12. I don't like talking about not just because it's very personal, but I guess for the need to always look strong. Which, I think honestly I am.
  13. It's also because I really didn't like at the beginning of my mourning the pity of people, or the fact that friends and family wouldn't dare sharing their problems when they were sad or angry because "it's nothing compared to you". 1/ you have the right to be sad/angry. 2/ it's not that the problem, it's that you compare that with my situation
    As if they were scales of sadness
  14. Because of the shell I constructed I can say that people i met afterward could never guessed that I've got a dark side, I'm always joyful, funny, here for you. And it's sincere. It's still what I am. I don't want people to think otherwise.
  15. But when you scratch the surface, you can see the cracks.
  16. And I guess it is the last step of grieving, accepting that you have cracks.