What I imagine would happen to my life if I started wearing the shoes (and only these shoes) that my Orthopedic Doctor said I should be wearing EVER SINGLE DAY.
  1. The Shoe:
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  2. I'd no longer be sexually harassed or cat called. At first I'd feel free and liberated but slowly I'd miss the attention (at least according to Fox News anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle) and myself esteem would go down the toilet and depression would set in.
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  3. I'd only be able to wear solid blacks, that's all that matches the shoes. I'd try to appear chic but despite all my efforts I'd look like a theatre stage hand. The heat of the black shoes and the black clothes would make me perspire more than usual and I'd start to look generally unkept and slowly people would start identifying me by the odor.
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  4. My career would need some major rebranding. At first my reps would try and put me out there as a blonde comedic actress from the ankles up and a Abe Vigoda stand in from the ankles down. But eventually they would give up.
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  5. People would potentially find stand up on the matter funny. A girl on the brink of ruin in Hollywood simply because she started wearing a strong hideous gender neutral shoe. But the truth would scare them and I'd be silenced by the FDA or Monsanto.
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  6. Only my very very very close friends would stick around. The very first group to drift away would be the annual happy birthday texters. The boys that meant to sleep with me in college but didn't get around to it and like to assure their future chances with a "HAPPY B GIRL."
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  7. I doubt my relationship could stand strong if faced with all these big life changes. Our sex life would certainly plummet (at this point I'm assuming the shoes are being worn 24/7) *note the Internet only has really sexy images for anything shoes/ sex related.
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  8. I'd have to go home to western mass to live with my mother. I'd act in something once in a blue moon when the part called for a young girl in thick black sneakers. I'd also occasionally get fingered by a guy who worked in a local used book store or co-op. Afterward he'd cry because he was such a feminist it pained him to put anything inside me.
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