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while outside, on my tiny apartment patio
  1. β€’
    This is MY balcony and pants are not a requirement
  2. β€’
    PMS hurts waaaay more after Essure
  3. β€’
    I would like to stay unemployed for all of time
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These are my go-to responses.
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    "Did you really just ask me that?
    Wow! How crazy IS it that I now know two people that have shot themselves! Well, you only shot yourself in the foot. At least he shot himself in the head, so he will never have to be subjected to an/another interaction with You." *walk away calmly Sometimes I end with, "You disgustingly rude shitbag" or some variation of that.
  2. β€’
    "How did my Dad kill himself? (Pt. 1)
    (Insert tone of person telling a tall tale around camp fire) "Ok! Let me tell you the story. It's rly important to remember he sustained a Traumatic Brain Injury for 4 years prior. He had been making a lot of progress, especially since he was in a coma for almost a full month! I'm sure you'll want to hear the coma story later. Anyway, he felt he couldn't be the husband my mom once had, and had stopped taking his Rx. SO, one afternoon, while I was at work, he was trying to help my mom fix the AC,
  3. β€’
    (Pt. 2)
    and couldn't remember how, bc of his TBI. He got very upset, very quickly. I didn't get all the exciting details from my mom - essentially, he went onto our yard, midday, put a shotgun in his mouth, and blew his brains out into the air. Like meat confetti! Right in front of my mother! It still took him 20 minutes to die. OMG! Did you know when the police return your loved ones things worn at the time of death, they don't clean the blood spatter off?!
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  1. β€’
    I refuse to make this list.
    It would be a complete misrepresentation of the crux of my Being.
Emojis are a big responsibility. Often I choose to use that Power for insults & crude comments. It's fun - try if it if you haven't already!
  1. β€’
    🚿🚣🏻 / πŸ’¦πŸš£πŸ»
    Douche canoe
  2. β€’
    πŸŒ¬πŸ’πŸ»
    Blow me
  3. β€’
    🍀
    "CamarΓ³n" is the Spanish version of "butterface"
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DESPITE HOW BADLY I WANTED IT
  1. β€’
    Bad back massage
    It was creepily gentle and I discovered his hands were tiny and soft. IFORGOTTOFEEDMYDOGBYE.
  2. β€’
    Pillow caught fire
    The fire extinguisher had to be introduced into the situation. Candles: romance's double agent.
  3. β€’
    Mashed potatoes
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and I'm sure I'll hear plenty more of this garbage until the day I finally experience the welcomed embrace of Death's merciful release.
  1. β€’
    "I'm just so busy with work, and the gym. I really need to focus on that. I need to be like a planet - with a the other things in my life moving around me."
    Said Douche Canoe 2016 to a friend of mine, via text. Work and the gym - what a burden you bear, Sir. Also: Yes, he essentially called himself a planet, suggesting she yield to the whims of his gravitational pull. AKA show up for sex then GTFO unless he feels like crying about something to her. Literal tears - happened at least five times in two weeks. GETOUTNOW. SHE IS SO BAD AT PICKING MEN.
  2. β€’
    "Why should your husband want a pet dog when he already has a cat at home?"
    Said some guy I met at a work function. We had been talking for 10 minutes and I told him my husband wants to get a puppy. I didn't even catch that he was being crude until he winked at me. He was 54 and had just finished telling me about his daughter who is only a few years younger than me. I am 29.
  3. β€’
    "I live with my mom right now, but the four cats are mine."
    Said a man who I dated. Great job ignoring that red flag, Self.
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I'm sure there will be a Part 2
  1. β€’
    Dog eating popcorn
    I miss my dog
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    Wine being poured into my glass/martini being shaken
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    Tiny gruntle my dog would make in her sleep
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  1. β€’
    I have two phones and have been officially promoted to captain Team Douche
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    I make my own hours
    But here is the thing: I NEVER STOP NOT STOPPING. Today was 15 hours. A lot of people do it, I suppose, but it's new to me.
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    My new boss is a wise angel who actually gives a shit about my overall wellbeing
    My anxieties about letting him down are very real
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I may add to this later...
  1. β€’
    Fresh baked bread
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    Fresh sheets
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    Baby puuuuuppies
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  1. β€’
    Special Needs Dog
    The ole "shouldn't laugh but can't help it" giggles are the best kind.
  2. β€’
    Toddler Ambush
    Babies...Fuck em
  3. β€’
    WASP Christmas
    Evil laughter because justice has been righteously served. The universe has witnessed your attempt at a trite Chrismas card and heinous fashion decision and will tolerate it no longer.
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